Experiences of a Dating Misanthrope

So So Cupid....

2012-02-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

Here we go again; hamster Kat just got back on the spinning wheel of internet dating. I joined OK Cupid. It's not even been 24 hours and I have two Doms sniffing around.....guess the submissive in me oozes out of my profile. I have also already gotten into an argument with a man regarding creationism....who believes that shit?? AND he has two kids and believes creationism should be taught in school. He warned me I was going to get struck by lighting. If I haven't been smited by an angry God yet, I'm not too worried. A very nice man sent me an email. He is handicapped and in a wheelchair. I am shallow. I told him we were not a match. Ugh, these guys are retards. Just got this email, "How's OK Cupid treating you?" I replied, "OK Cupid is treating me as I would expect a computer program would. And you?" Lazy and stupid opening line. This asshole carries on and on in his profile about how witty and articulate he is. Not seeing it douche.....

On the quest for something extraordinary, OK Cupid seems like an unlikely breeding ground. Maybe I'll get some free food out of it, or an aneurism.

Ho's Gotta Save Herself First

2012-02-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Well fuck. The pull to be Captain Save a Ho after my weekend with Manhattan Millionaire has caught me by surprise. "I can fix him! I can make him happy!" Has been looping in my brain. I've been resisting the urge to be the Neosporin on his broken brain but this feeling has been compelling.

Thursday in therapy I launched into the recounting of my weekend with Manhattan Millionaire with all of the righteous indignation I could muster, "Didn't he see that I was incredibly empathetic to his irrational fear and was willing to do anything to make him feel better? Doesn't that count for something??" My therapist patiently listened before he chimed in, "Are you ready Kat?" (Uh oh. This is going to be a big fat oh shit bomb.) "MM's bullying triggered your PTSD. You weren't taking care of him, you reverted back to survival mode to protect yourself to make his abuse stop." Woah. He was right.

I've been crying since Thursday due to this revelation (and probably the hormones from the morning after pill still raging through my system.) All of this hard work I've been doing and I still don't recognize abuse. My therapist pointed out, "Many women would have told him to fuck himself, get help for his phobia, bag your shit!, packed up and never spoken to him again. Instead, you made myself sick and put yourself at risk for serious health issues then spent the rest of the weekend catering to him." FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Yesterday I told Manhattan Millionaire to pound sand permanently. I'm setting sail for calmer waters.

Didn't Leave My Heart in San Francisco

2012-02-01T10:05:00.000-08:00

It seemed like I ran a marathon to get to this weekend with Manhattan Millionaire. I paid attention to every little detail in preparation of seeing a man I haven't seen for 27 years and have been speaking to for 5. I was nervous and excited; the romantic in me hoped for a fairytale ending. Disappointment was inevitable.

I walked in to the beautiful Chateau Tivoli, a Victorian bed and breakfast in The Haight district of San Francisco. It was what one might expect; over the top gilded grandeur more suited for a brothel than a hotel. As I was checking in, Manhattan Millionaire made his entrance gliding down the elaborately carved wooden staircase and sweeping me into his arms. My feet left the floor as he spun me around in a tight embrace. I then got a good look at him. The years had been kind. He looked much the same as I had remembered with the exception of some gray at his temples. He was a very handsome man and had retained his boyish good looks.

We retreated into the parlor and sipped wine on a ridiculously fragile looking Victorian settee. We both giggled while commenting on our surroundings. I could not believe I was finally seeing him! 3D after years of 2D communication! We both were grinning like school kids with the awkward tension between us palpable. I found it impossible to keep my hands from caressing his face. Magical.

We reluctantly parted so I could finish checking in and change for dinner. My room was beautiful with a fireplace and antique furnishings. I took my time as I changed into my gorgeous Trashy Lingerie bra, panties and garters. Hand made lace with satin ribbon trim which fit me like a glove. I wore a blue chiffon cocktail dress which was form fitting, but left much to the imagination. Finally, I slipped on a pair of patent stilettos, my black velvet coat and made my way downstairs.

Red flag no. 1; he didn't say one complimentary thing about my appearance
Red flag no 2; he hadn't made dinner reservations even though we had planned this trip for over three months

We left the hotel walking randomly on a quest for a restaurant. We passed a jazz club and MM flipped because some jazz bass legend was playing there that night. We got tickets, and a front row seat. They had food as well but let's just say....er seared ahi with tartar sauce? Really?? The show was good, the wine flowed and he started to pepper me with kisses and caresses. We had another drink at the bar before going back to the hotel. I was turning heads but he seemed oblivious. I'm not conceited, but I know when I look good and I LOOKED GOOD. We talked about birth control at this point and I told him I can't get pregnant but offered to get condoms. He said he believed me and we went back to the hotel.

The lovemaking (I know, I know...even I gag as typing that but that is what it was) was exceptional. It was passionate, intimate, fun.....our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. We collapsed after several hours and slept with our bodies entwined. This is where I wish the story ended......

Red flag no 3; MM woke up at 6 AM having a melt down that he got me pregnant

Saturday morning started in an emotional clusterfuck. MM shared that a woman tried to pin paternity on him seven years ago and he was traumatized. It had cost him a ton of money and even more emotional turmoil to find out he wasn't the father. He has since developed a phobia. I listened empathetically and told him I was willing to do whatever he needed to feel safe. He shook it off and said that he knew it was his shit and we went forward with our day. We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman's Wharf, Musee Mechanique, saw the seals, drove down the world's most crooked street.....fun stuff.

Red flag no 4; MM FREAKED OUT SEVERAL MORE TIMES OVER THE PREGNANCY THING!!!!

I had my doctor's business card in my hand dialing my phone in order to get the morning after pill a few times during the course of the day. It seemed he had relaxed and we went back to the hotel when he told me to stop before I opened the gate. Stupidly, I thought he was going to kiss me. He brought up the morning after pill AGAIN. I ONCE AGAIN calmly sat down, and dialed my doctor. He was gone for the day. I then googled Planned Parenthood and realized you could buy the morning after pill over the counter. While I'm doing this, MM is RANTING about how he's not going to be trapped, I will NOT have his child etc. Ok, I snapped. Enough is enough and he had hit the limits of my patience, kindness and understanding that there is some mental short circuit in his head. He Googled pharmacies and began to walk in the direction of the nearest Walgreens. I told him I would go, get the morning after pill, run an errand I needed to do in The Haight and he could take care of his work and meet me later. I was seething and he could hear it, "are you angry?!?" he asked me. "Yes." I replied and he asked me why. "1. You are getting insulting now. You are calling me a liar 2. You could do a lot worse than to have me mother your child and you are acting as if I am scum. 3. You are almost 50 years old! This is YOUR issue and now you are making it mine.....all we had to do was get fucking condoms! and 4. I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING BABY! If i were pregnant this thing would have a date with a drain so fucking fast!! I don't want your money, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want a child!!!!!!" Yeah, I lost it.

An hour and a half later, I texted MM and asked him if he wanted to meet me in the Haight.

Red Flag no 5; MM apparently doesn't appreciate how far he pushed me and was now actually angry with me

"Not after you stormed off like that I don't...." he replied. I called him and explained, "I don't know anyone that wouldn't get angry after a day like we have had. I needed to walk away from you because I was going to say something I would regret. I walked it out. Are you going to meet me?" He reluctantly agreed. He showed up at Hobson's Rum Bar and still had an attitude. I had bought a ukulele which he picked up and plunked on a bit, "guess this means you didn't run that other errand then huh?" He asked me. "So you're gonna be like this huh?" I said as I smacked the Walgreens receipt down on the table, "You owe me $48.31." He examined the bill, handed me $50, "You can keep the change. Can I have the package I just paid for?" I gave it to him, then opened it, took the pills out....I put one in my mouth, showed him it was on my tongue, took a swig of my beer, opened my mouth again to show him it was gone, "would you like to check my cheeks to make sure I didn't pocket it?" I asked? I read the package and told him the second pill should be taken in 12 hours.

Red Flag no 6; MM set the alarm and woke me up at 3:45 to take the second pill!

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. There wasn't as much as a held hand or a kissed cheek. There was some enlightening conversation. Over the course of the rest of Saturday and Sunday morning, it became evident to me that he has Augsburg's. What I had thought was him hiding a relationship, or just being a dick, or selfish really stems from the fact he has this disease. He is incapable of empathy, social norms and situations baffle him. He told me some personal and telling stories which made me come to pity him. He is an incredibly successful man, as many Augsburg's patients are because they can stay task-focused. He is gifted in math and music. He told me he has never been happier than he is at this point of his life because he has distanced himself from people and spends his time with his algorithms. The frustration I had with him is because I am analog and he is as digital as digital can be. 1 or 0, on or off, yes or no.....no gray areas.

I had to remind myself that I shouldn't get upset. He didn't check in on me to see if I were ok after taking the morning after pill. I texted him in a way I thought would resonate, and I think it did. "The social convention would be for you to check in on me......" He replied and seemed relieved because he admitted he didn't know what to do. "You are wonderful...." He texted me last night before once again falling off the grid.

This marks the end of me messing with my ghosts. I got an answer, not the one I was expecting at all. It cost me $1500 bucks, several days of hormone induced illness (with risk of stroke,) and the death of a fairytale to get it. Was it worth it to find out MM is Rainman? No. I'm done sticking my hand in the flame......

Crusty Old Geezer....Scrooged.

2011-12-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

According to my horoscope, my intuition is in top form today. My loneliness and confusion regarding love is top on my mind and this is the optimal time to open up with someone about my feelings with reference to the stars. Finally, I am about to give up on love. Just a little light message to take into my day.
I needed to get out of my house, and out of my head according to Foodie. I am reflective while sipping some brazilian tea and observing the stream of hipsters that enter the Akasha coffee shop downtown Culver City. I'm sad and I know why; I am Manhattan Millionaire's West Coast booty call. There. I said it. Something wasn't sitting right with me and then I spoke to Mr. MBA last night. "Come on. You know what it is......" I did, but I didn't want to admit it. "Is Manhattan Millionaire going out of his way to see you Kat? He has money correct? In all of the years you have been talking he could have gotten on a plane and visited you for the weekend." He's right. I tried weakly to object citing all of the complimentary things MM has said to me and how awkward and excited he is. All the nerdy sexting we've been doing. Mr. MBA patiently waiting for me to run out of defensive steam before replying, "He's doing what is necessary to get in your pants." Fuck. He is right. This is why he is my super secret male decoder ring.
I spoke with my aunt later last night and she reminded me it was Christmas and I should go to church, that is where I will meet a nice man. She also had some of our good ol' fashioned Germanic pragmatic advice for me; "Quit aiming for the stars. Settle. Quit wasting time on past loves or worrying about the future. Live in the now. Go sing some Christmas carols." I hung up and cried, not channeling the reason for the season but Scrooge. Maybe she's right I should settle....my janitor did just ask me out.
I texted Manhattan Millionaire a frowny face and over a very brief text exchange I told him I'd had a rough day. "You're brilliant and thoughtful and hilarious and wildly irresistible, if that's any consolation. :)" Was the last text I got last night. I cursed at my vagina for the power it wields over men.
My intuition tells me that I must have the convo with MM and bail on San Francisco in Jan. My loneliness is saying suck it up and just have fun and tap HIS ass. I wonder which one will prevail. Bah humbug.

\

2011-12-14T11:39:00.001-08:00

Hope for the best...tuck and cover

2011-12-01T10:37:00.001-08:00

It finally happened! Manhattan Millionaire is coming to California……it will be in almost two months at the end of January. I'm not sure my little heart will be able to last that long. I am again smitten. He is wonderful. I just need a strong reality check that beyond our (sure to be magical) weekend together in San Francisco, it is extremely unlikely anything will develop. He lives in Manhattan. I live in Los Angeles. Drag man. He is my Abelard and I love our chat affair we have going on. He called me Monday and during our conversation reminded me it has been (gulp!) 27 years since we last laid eyes on each other. I had lunch with AppleBottom yesterday and she was sugar coating the fact that I am a bit of an odd bird. "Kooky" is her code for weird. Her advice was to keep up with my activities…."continue on with that "kooky" class you're taking. You will meet someone that appreciates your, er, unique way." "You mean my improv class?" I questioned, not thinking that was very freaky. "Yeah, that…." she said. Hm. I spent the rest of the day contemplating what she was saying, I am so "kooky" that I will never connect with a normal man. By the time Mr. MBA called me after work, I was spinning. "I just have to not be myself!" I blurted out when I answered the phone. "Am I really that weird?" He started laughing, "you are going to work yourself into a fit by your date friday….." I think he started to reconsider our friendship when I told him the date was nearly two months away. As any good friend would, Mr. MBA reassured me I am not weird but interesting. I hope he is right. I have almost two months to become Kat 2.0, the best version of myself I can be. Eradicating "weird" would be a hopeless task considering all of the other work that must be done. Manhattan Millionaire asked me Monday why I am not dating now. "I want something exceptional." was my honest response. Is it foolish to hope the karmic wheel is turning and it is my time for something exceptional? I have worked so hard and made so many painful decisions over the last year. It would be nice to think that the universe would acknowledge that by throwing a hot, smart and successful man my way. Throw this girl a bone!

HalloWeHo

2011-10-31T10:12:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday! This year, I dressed as the ring leader of the Dysfunctional Three Ring Circus me and my two besties have become known as. The quintesential fag hag that I am, I have retreated to the safety and security that is my gay family. I characterize hanging out in West Hollywood as being starving at a huge buffet where you can't eat anything. I will probably not get hurt, but I will not likely get laid either. The trade off is a shit ton of drinking.....couple of weeks ago my GayHusband bashed his head on a bathtub after a night of drinking and ended up with three stitches in his cute noggin. At brunch, our friends wanted to see his "bloody gash" and I commented that he was becoming more and more like me every day. (ewwwww! was the resounding response to that comment.) My fav lesbian, Daddy cut her finger tip off while drunk cooking...."that is like a lesbian circumcision!" I commented....(again ew.) I've recently face planted in my friend TheWitch's garden after a vodka fueled evening. I landed with a decorative rock in the small of my back. TheWitch noted I more 'wilted' into the dirt not spilling a drop of my cocktail and I got golf claps. The rush of people to help me was met with my desire to just stay there for a while. I took a mini dirt nap. We have had sprained ankles, knocked out teeth......it is dangerous out there.When not drinking I'm getting my improv on at The Groundlings. I've been feathering my nest which is looking amazing. I'm continuing my therapy which seems to be working. I just cut out International Playboy. The drink he promised repeatedly never materialized and that saying about never making someone a priority that makes you and option was resonating. The therapy must be working....that smacks of a modicum of self-esteem. Woah.Eventually I will have to venture out into the straight dating world again. For the moment, I am enjoying the fuckery that ensues in our Family Circus! Happy Halloween and Slut it UP!!!!

Save a Ho HELLZ No!

2011-08-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

I am far from perfect. If you know me in real life you would know I spend a respectable amount of time beating myself up. I do tons of stupid shit yet I try to be better. I actually put in the effort.

As I get healthier, I shed those around me that are toxic. I find others are invested in keeping me weak, alcoholic, scared.....God forbid I get better, my "friends" feel worse about themselves.

Dare I say it...I'M HAPPY! I'M FUCKING HAPPY! I am living in a drama free zone. I have men courting me. I hike a lot. I made it through my audition (with 16 professional actors!) into the Groundling's core improv program. I have money in the bank.

There is a bittersweet quality to leaving friends behind. You want them to be the best they can be and hope they share that wish for you. One of my closest friends for the last 15 years has some major problems. She does/did drugs. I do not want her in my orbit anymore. I can't deal with it. She has turned another mutual friend against me....and last night I said something brutal; if you want a coke whore in your orbit...fine. Please respect I do not. She mentioned this to the other woman that texted me this; "Coke whore? You are such a pathetic loser piece of shit. No wonder you don't have a friend or a lover. Thank God I removed you from my life. I have been blessed with so much happiness and love since then. I hope you rot in your selfish pathetic life." Yup, sounds like someone well adjusted eh? Sticking up for myself is a new thing.

Realizing a friendship has reached it's potential is difficult. Realizing the limitations of those we love (including ourselves) is a lot of painful work. Bootylicious calls me "Captain Save a Ho." I might be short sighted to realize at the moment that the Ho that I have to save is myself. The time to let go of self-destructive behavior is now.

wake up Kat!

2011-06-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was having a hard time watching Hulu on my iPad. The reason; I could see my reflection in the screen.

I haven't been able to look at myself for years. When putting on make-up I give myself the "side eye." I avoid glances of myself in mirrors or windows. Right now, I am attempting to tilt my MacBook screen in such a way I can see what I'm typing and avoid my image.

I have not been able to look myself in the eye for a very long time. Perhaps it is the therapy; talk, psycho, hypno, energy work, life coach...blah blah...or the drugs that are making me brave. I think the beginning is shedding people that remind me of the worst parts of me. The people with which you surround yourself are some of the most telling reflections of them all.

It is a Friday night and I have no plans. No hope for plans actually. I am naked before myself. I'm not likely to drown in my image. Oddly, it is my image that has been drowning me I'm realizing.

racist me

2011-03-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

oh the dramz....

I was accused of being a racist last night. I am part of a community now, sad isn't it?

I'm sober. It sucks ass. Mornings are better yet........minute by minute it is challenging. I want to get super fucked up now. I won't. Sigh.

My sober buddy, Corset, called me on it today. My hot neighbor asked her if she was my sponsor. Alcoholics ANONYMOUS dumbass! She isn't. He had an idiot savant moment where he recalled her name from me saying I was going to an AA meeting a month ago with "Laura." Luck of the draw, my besties from home are Lori, Laura and Laura. (when in doubt...)

Took a Xanax this morning. Not working. I still hate you brown/asian/jew/um..whatever people

2011-03-28T21:35:00.001-07:00

Ahhhhh! I feel as if I can once again stretch my arms! I spilled a beer on my old laptop, apparently they don't like them as much as I do. All I have had is my work laptop which has been in the IT department and lord only knows what software they loaded. Today I bought myself my personal Mac Book pro. Awesome to be able to surf porn again without fear of being fired by the Christian coalition I work for. It is also awesome to be able to plunk down $1300 hundo without blinking an eye. CASH baby!

I continue down my path of self-improvement which is annoying and time-consuming. It is yielding results. I am looking healthy. I am acting healthy. I am making good decisions. I think I may have found my future ex..... I saw the Jew today as I drove home, waiting for Big Love at his transportation comittee meeting he said she didn't take part in. It solidifies I have made the right decision; he is lying when his mouth is moving. Rather than being upset or unwraveling or popping a Xanax I thought, "right...of course." Hideous bitch.

Today I signed up for an improv class and bought a new computer. Fuck them and their Charles Manson Family. I deserve better. I am actually beginning to believe that now.

Tonight I surf porn and type "vagina vagina vagina" because I can. So many things are feeling right and great right now. Over the last two years I have really learned about unconditional love. I have NOT been lovable yet I'm getting my head out of my ass and am seeing some familiar faces. The view (and air) are better from this vantage point. I am so grateful.

something stinks......

2011-02-11T13:48:00.001-08:00

I'm adamant that do-overs in relationships are always a very bad idea. Even so, I find myself in the middle of just that. As a threshold matter, whatever character flaws which caused you to dump them to begin with are likely still very present. This is what I am re-discovering with Big Love.

I wanted to believe the many promises he made to me while crying and begging me to come back. He went out with the Jew with a vengeance while we were split to humiliate me and hurt me. My hand made dining room table he promised me last Christmas was made and given to the Korean as her gift. Big Love does not understand why I am upset, actually angry that I do not see this as a "positive." He loved me so much he went ahead and made the table in spite of my leaving him. I replied, "You couldn't just buy her a Coach bag??" Yeah, I'm pissed. With tears in his eyes he promised to make me a better one as he now knows what he's doing.

Yesterday, I found the chairs I wanted on sale so I told him I would measure the chair heights to accommodate this amazing table, full of love which he was going to make for me. "Oh. I can't get around to that for months. Busy with work." Of course you are dick. I bought the table today. He is full of shit.

This is polyamory for you; do for yourself, be by yourself, live for yourself. He has broken his word on other critical issues but claims he never made such promises. Conveniently forgetful. In the meantime, I went to a club by myself...the same ones with the same people that he trotted the Jew in front of like the ugly horse faced show pony she is saying God knows what about me. I won't lie, I was nervous. Everyone was kind, compassionate...wondered where I had been. I faced yet another fear.

Oddly, I am just fine buying this table and going out alone because at least there is possibility. With Big Love the writing is on the wall. I want to do do all over this do-over.

Namaste

2011-01-26T16:57:00.000-08:00

I'm having a very New Age moment and I am about to make myself barf. I've had a great day, I'm actually feeling that once familar feeling "happiness" today. The thing I found most remarkable about this was how I experienced other people; as happy.

I am going through theraputic hypnosis and he had me do a visualization Monday. I was to visualize standing in a fallow field of dirt. Desolate, devoid of any life whatsover. I pulled a flag out of the dirt which had my name on it and walked over an imaginary line in the dirt into a lush landscape. I planted my flag there. I felt the lovely breeze washing over me and the dappled sunlight on my skin. I did a yoga pose, my favorite balance pose, Tree Pose. I was so peaceful and full of light and love. A tear fell down my cheek.

Today I have been reminded of how I was actually intended to be in the world. I am a light and source of happiness to many. I bring food and company to my old lady neighbor. First on the scene with ice cream, movies and jammies to my friend that just broke off a relationship. Julie MacCoy socially on my Love Boat bringing so many different people together that eventually become friends. Beloved daughter. Star employee. Best friend. True love.

In my complete selfishness I hurt myself but today I realize just how much I have hurt others that have come to depend on me and love me. I am coming back from the darkness.

Blue sky ahead

2011-01-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

I survived the storm in spite of the last eight months being more like a squall. Always expending energy; never moving forward, never back more or less bobbing in place being beaten down by external forces. My structural integrity is compromised and there is more than a little bit of cosmetic damage. The exterior is more simply fixed with new window trimmings, a bit of elbow grease and care. The hull is a different matter. Everything rests upon having a strong internal structure. That is where my focus is today.

I started therapy. First time in my life I've felt the need to reach out for help. Today is day nine of putting myself in dry dock; no more drinking. I would like to say forever but I'm just not ready to make that commitment as it seems so daunting. Right now my goal is to make it through January but if I'm very honest with myself, I know I have to quit forever.

Over the last year and a half with Big Love I haven't slept, eaten, developed a wicked alcohol dependency and have had massive panic attacks. I've become a mere shell of who I am. I'm 5'9 and a size 2 which is ridiculous. I shake all the time, my thinking has been clouded and my reasoning fueled with jealousy, competitiveness and hatred. My moral compass is spinning. I need to find my way back home.

I hadn't spoken to Big Love for two months. In spite of my hearing from him constantly, hearing how he was taking the Ugly Girl everywhere with him (places he thought I would be so he could rub it in cruelly) I was doing better. Over Christmas I made a critical error by speaking to him. He promised me anything I wanted to come back, he cried and begged. It didn't take very long for him to return to his natural delusional state. He immediately reminded me why I cannot be with him. Although he said he was heartbroken over my loss and could not bear to date, after I rebuffed him he sent me a picture of a 24 year old fetish model he supposedly had a date with. He told me he gave my Christmas present away to another woman. He told me he would not dump the Jew. He hung up on me like a 13 year old girl would. Incessant texting. Melodramatic multi-page emails. Showing up at my place uninvited, three times. He is a trigger and I drank heavily over Christmas week.

Detox was a bitch. The only symptoms I did not enjoy were hallucinations, seizures and death. I white knuckled it through the headaches, sweating, insomnia and nausea. In the calm after the storm I am enjoying sleep for the first time in a year and a half. I am thinking more clearly. I have had moments of genuine happiness. This is just the first week. The water is still choppy but for the first time in a very long time I TRUST there is smooth sailing ahead.

Placing myself in dry dock is also a pretty exciting time. I am allowing myself the chance to thoughtfully walk the beach and examine every smooth rock and shell both in front and behind me. I am setting the course for the rest of my life. I have been on auto-pilot for too long and I am now consciously mapping out my journey. My therapist is my North Star that is safely guiding me back home. Happy New Years!

I'm a mousey.

2010-12-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

On my dating profile I put, "Bonnie searching for her Clyde." Watching Dexter and he points out that they both end up in a bullet laded car. Maybe I ought to re-think this desired end result.

Big Love still remains in my orbit. I still search. I just gave a potential date the 3rd degree and scared him off. Did I scare him away because I'm nutty or because I busted this married guy trolling? I don't think I've ever posted this before but please excuse me if I don't remember my own rants. In psych 101 you learn about horrific tests done on mice. One of them was if a mouse gets a food pellet pressing on the bar which delivers the sweet ambrosia of mouse life force every time, he presses when he's hungry. He gets his food pellet, eats it then hits the bar again when he's hungry. NOW if the mousey hits the bar and the food pellet comes at random intervals he'll hit the bar incessantly to the point he'll work harder getting the food pellet than the calories he expends hitting that bar. He dies.

I'm a mousey. I'm hitting the proverbial bar on every level; personally, professionally, emotionally. I would just like to have some predictable results for my efforts. Besides death.

It's not easy being cheesy.....

2010-11-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

Here is how I know I'm healing.... I was speaking to an old lover of mine, The Animator today. We've been friends for years now. He reminded me of the last time we were in bed together, laughing our asses off listening to Rhapsody, 80's music. What he had forgotten is he pulled out a Sharpie and drew all over my body. Arrows pointing to dirty places, bulls eyes and the like. In a ultimate bachlorette moment I had burned my stomach from eating mac and cheese out of the hot pot naked. He drew dancing noodles all around the burn.

I have great people in my life. That memory made me really happy today. I'm going to be just fine.....

buh bye Big Love

2010-11-07T09:03:00.000-08:00

I just read my last post. I wish I would have stuck to my guns and stayed away from Big Love. I didn't. Since July, things got worse and worse. I'm not proud of a lot of my behavior. I developed a rash from anxiety, my hair was falling out for a while, I was drinking too much and I found a level of nasty of which I never thought myself capable. He broke into my apartment. He beat the shit out of me, twice.

I'm trying to be kind to myself, the heart wants what it wants. I was on the brink of losing absolutely everything to be with him; my dignity being just a small chip in the game.

This time is for real. I will not go back. I recognize him for the lying preditor that he is. It hit me like a lightning bolt during our last conversation; I will NOT defer my happiness for one more second. He made endless promises about events in the future...he'll marry me in a year, he'll live with me when I move closer, he will dump the Jew in six months....NONE of these things ever occurred. He told me I was missing the lesson in all of this, I was supposed to be developing patience. I have to agree with that. The lesson I learned was a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush....I may be alone at the moment but at least I have a better chance at grabbing that bird. I may not know if "the one" is out there, but I do know that the boobie prize with Big Love would be to be at the head of his creepy family with him and enduring the freaky Jew for the rest of my life. No thank you.

Everything is moving forward in a positive fashion at the moment. I have a new job, new apartment, new furniture. I payed off over eight grand in debt last month! I have six grand coming back from my tax returns! I will have savings again! Most importantly I'm starting to feel happy. I'm not the broken one because I think his lifestyle is wrong, he is. He cannot open himself up to one person and deal with all of the problems and joys that come from really diving deeply emotionally with someone. He is happy surrounding himself with multiple women picking and choosing from them as if he were in a cafeteria. I want it all.

I'm back to kissing frogs. My prince is out there somewhere.

Free at last, free at last!

2010-07-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

Ten months into polyamory and I am finally willing to call uncle. It is a crock of shit really only benefiting Big Love. I will say he did his best to indoctrinate me into the philosophy and lifestyle. He is committed, I will give him that. Over time and with much reading I realized why it was so great for him; he was using a well thought out and somewhat noble philosophy to cloak what is really just being a manwhore. He was using this construct to justify getting his dick wet wherever, whenever because it was all above the board and under some "ethical" umbrella.

The last ten months have been one of the most intense and passionate love affairs of my life. There is no doubt in my mind that we are wildly in love and it is genuine. I finally found my soul mate and of course, he is a polygamist.

I think I could actually be alright with polyamory. One of the women he is with is sweetness and light and I have grown found of her as well. We have been making plans for the future which include a house with an avocado tree for the three of us. We've been hiking, Easter egg dying, cooking, museums...the things families do together and I enjoy her company. The other one however is a nightmare!

A couple of weeks ago Big Love had the bright idea that I would spend the entire weekend with The Jew who I HATE. His thinking was by forcing us to spend concentrated time together, we would get over any ill will we share. I lied and said I couldn't get a dog sitter Friday because there was no fucking way I was going to be subjected to this fuckery for three days. The mood in the car on the way over was pretty mellow, we listened to music and talked. Very nice and mellow vibe on the way there which was immediately shattered when the dark cloud of negative Tasmanian energy that is the Jew entered into the car, "what a horrible day, pull the seat up your squishing me!!! My phone! I don't have my phone we have to go...oh there's my phone." she whined. I find her affect grating as hell. She looked as I've come to expect from her, no make-up with some odd meth face freckly things going on, the ever present sneer, wild mane of badly dyed curly red hair, and her ferret teeth. She is as thin as an anorexic (which Big Love has held her body up to me as an ideal of "hot and sexy." I was going down this path for a hot minute myself.) I've shown her pictures to several of my friends and gotten responses which range from "meth addicted tranny" to "really ugly Amy Winehouse (got this at least three times btw.) Big Love informed her we had not had the chance to pack the picnic so we were going to stop at a Bristol Farms on the way. "I haaatee Bristol Faaarms! There's nothing good there!" whined the Jew. "Ok," replied Big Love, "where would you like to stop between here and the Ford Theater? Anything you want." "I don't knooowwww!! I never come over hereeeeee....." She was continuing on when I noticed a Gelson's and suggested we go there as they usually have a pretty good prepared foods section. We pulled in and IMMEDIATELY upon entering I watched a 41 year old woman throw a complete tantrum like a 4 year old. She bitched that there was nothing she wanted, nothing jumped out at her. Big Love suggested looking at the prepared sandwiches and she sniveled that, "they all have cheeeeezzeeee!! I have a dairy allergy!" I wanted to tell the bitch to pick the fucking cheese off then but suggested the salad bar. She said she didn't want it and proceeded to stamp her foot and do a boo boo lip in the middle of the market. I asked Big Love if he wanted to split a rice pudding with me and the Jew butted in, "Iiii caaaann't have thaaaat!!!! I have a daaairy aaalergy!! There's nothing for dessert for me here!!!" I looked at Big Love and said, "are you fucking kidding me? Not even fifteen minutes into this and already a melt down?!?"

The rest of the evening went similarly bad. The Jew has no social skills so I ended up basically ignoring her. After the film, Big Love locked us in the car to "clear the air." Yet another genius idea. Hot, humid, uncomfortable on every level he pressured us to tell our feelings. I am not proud, at one point I broke blurting out, "I can't stand her! I don't like her and she is weird!!! WTF do you want from me?!?!?!" Yeah. Not good. He prattled on spewing platitudes for a good hour afterward with neither me or the Jew saying a word. Finally he took us for tea. Oh goodie, more conversation.

When I say she is weird, I mean she is FUCKING WEIRD! At tea, she went over her massive health history, starting with a spinal tap at 8, car accident in 2002 where she needed wrist surgery but couldn't afford it, then onto cancer. Big Love said, "Kat, you've had cancer too right?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? This interested the Jew, feeling engaged she went on about how she had cervical cancer, had surgery, took a year off to recuperate. Big Love prodded, "Kat, you had cervical cancer too right?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Feeling kinship over this deadly disease the Jew asked, "Oh really?!? How did you handle it?" I replied, "I had it twice. Had two surgeries. Never missed a day of work. Never talk about it." Then I gave Big Love stink eye. I've never had such a miserable night of conversation where I would rally around cancer as a topic. Plus it's very personal and I was pissed he betrayed my trust.

We left and I felt a sense of dread regarding the hotel room situation. Creepiness escalated; move awkward conversation, figuring out sleeping arrangements...dear lord did she bring pjs??? We chatted about the film we saw in the car, which my friend from high school directed. I was really just trying to cope. I was very relieved when we pulled up in front of her house. Mercifully, he had cut the evening short. He walked her in and I smoked. Praise fucking Jesus.

Over the last ten months there has been shitloads of drama surrounding her role. I layed it out, her or me. Today he picked her. I am just grateful this is finally over. He can take his Charles Manson family values and shove them up his ass. At my core I am a traditional and conservative girl that just wants a man to love me. ME. JUST ME. I feel wonderfully loved and connected, even protected when I am with Big Love but it breaks my heart knowing when he is over doing the same thing for the Jew. I am not laid back or cool enough to share the man I believe is my soul mate. Perhaps I will find another. Until then, I will embrace my true self; I am the Dating Misanthrope.

a whore is a whore

2009-12-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMy6X5cQul8

My fellow lovers, I have been blogging elsewhere as I cannot talk about my debauched love affair here.

I am totally in love with Big Love, aka. Poly Guy.

After he dumped me in October we renegotiated our situation. I am actually totally cool. He has shared honestly with me and now I know the lay of the land.

I was out with Doc last Saturday for lunch. He lives with a woman and recently bought a home with her yet he incessantly screws around. He was giving me shit about my choice to be with Big Love. I am not a fan of hypocrisy so I called him on his shit. Big Love loves me, and he loves two other women. He is honest about it. Doc screws around, doesn't make connections and gets off on the duplicity. Big Love is honest. He loves me and there are two other women. We all matter to him. It isn't about getting his dick wet.

If Big Love were expecting me to be loyal to him I would say no fucking way Jose. In this relationship I am finding a freedom I never thought you could have. He is my primary. I love the shit out of him and vice verse. I am still free to explore other people. The core is my loving of who he is. I am still coming to terms with that alone.

My longest relationship was 11 years. Yup, 11 fucking years. When you are with someone this long, you know their every move. It becomes tedious. Sex every night i the same the same the fucking same...it's not like you are suddenly going to bust out some fucking rock star new move. You know what they will order at the restaurant, how they will valet the car...which team they watch and root for. It really gets boring as shit.

I am making a bold statement; I am a polyamourous woman. I can maintain multiple serious relationships at one time as can Big Love. He is my primary. Everything flows so beautifully from there.

so you straight Christians that are my blog readers, just letting you know where I've been and what I have been doing. I hope you are well.

such a double edged sword......

2009-11-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

I saw PolyGuy last Thursday after a three week separation. He came over and I made a fabulous dinner. We had a wonderful time catching up. I love him. If it weren't for this whole polyamory bullshit thing I would be head over heels. I just don't know if I can do it. I deserve better than that. It is hard when I am looking over a candlelit table, laughing and happy to think of anything but capturing the moment. Sunday, he picked me up and took me to Philipe's in downtown Los Angeles. This is a restaurant famous for having invented the french dip sandwich. The lines were long but the wait was made bearable because I hung on him as we laughed and talked. Lunch was perfect and we went to a sex store and picked up some goodies. Back to my place to give them a test drive. We had a perfect day together, something between us has changed and it is so natural and, well, right. He commented that we have moved into a new phase, that he felt it too. So why am I so bloody blue today? In my heart of hearts I know it isn't right for me. Can this or will this lead anywhere except heartbreak for me.

Devil's Playground

2009-10-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

Last week had to be the worst week I have ever had professionally. Monday night, I was having mad panic attacks and the Xanax just wasn't touching them. At some point, I decided full on sedation was the only thing I could do and I took an Ambian and was out by ten. 12:30 comes around and Poly guy called me (I have no recollection of this.) Evidently, I said something he didn't like and he dumped me. Tuesday morning I wake up and think, wow...what a bad dream. I thought I had dreamed being dumped until about three hours into my day when I noticed the completed call in my phone log. D'oh! For the best in that I don't think I can handle a Big Love sort of lifestyle. I was surprisingly miserable over it and my work week continued to suck heavy metal ass. Even my iPod conspired to make me miserable. Every romantic and emo song seemed to come up in the shuffle. I looked at it and cried, "et tu iPod?!?!?" Friday night, I went to Freakishly Tall Guy's house where he made me an amazing dinner followed by a steady stream of Sex Crack. Upon arrival home at 2AM PolyGuy was iming me. He wants me back. Sure, why not. I never see him so it isn't like it impacts my life in any significant fashion. He left to visit his parents for a week and we will see if he steps up his game when he gets back. Yesterday, he asked me to do something that would permanently alter my body.....FOREVER. He balked when I replied with a HELLZ NO! Stating I was only willing to submit to him on my terms....he didn't like it when I told him that I really needed him to have a little skin in the game and reminded him he dumped me last week. Not inspiring much security or confidence in our "relationship" or whatever you call this..... in the meantime, I have a date tonight with PopStar. I am sick of sitting around with my thumb up my ass not getting any (sex, companionship, consideration, time.) I will have to remind PolyGuy what they say about idle hands.......

could not be right before my eyes?

2009-10-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

Recently, what has caught me most off-guard is how much I am loved/coveted. Facebook has been a mad ego boost for the girl. EVERY single guy I knew in high school chats with me, and eventually admits their hs (and lingering) crush on me. I am still retarded this way, I never get when guys like me. My picker is terminally broken.

Today was a really bad day, both personally and professionally. I wanted to kill myself until Mr. MBA told me I should just move home and marry him. We have talked every day for the last eight years I have been out here. We have been friends for fifteen... Tonight he knew I was super unhappy, vulnerable and fucked up. He said, "Kat, I will always take care of you. I should be your first call if you are in trouble. No strings. I love you."

I love him too. What a fucked up fucking day.

I dunno about this......

2009-09-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

I have not been having a good go of it lately. After falling off my shoes then shitting my pants, I developed the most remarkable urinary tract infection. In the meantime, I decided to get involved with a polygamist. I don't think this is going to work for me. The idea of having another woman around to clean is appealing (I have long said I would like to have my own wife) I think that I just may be too much of an attention whore to find satisfaction in this dynamic. I have seen him only once in the last two weeks (which isn't entirely his fault as I did have fire in the hole and a trip to Mexico during this time period.) I am not experimenting with different lifestyles to find myself even more alone and isolated which seems to be what is occurring now. Plus, he sucks in bed. He is a humper and a prolific one at that. All signs point to experiment fail. We haven't delved very deep into this relationship and I find myself already feeling sad, neglected and alone. I also have a lot of time to fill.....apparantly I spend a good deal of time dating, chatting with boys or fishing for more of them. I'm bored as shit with nothing to back fill these dating activities. Tonight PolyGuy is coming over. Not quite sure what is worse, a doll collector that is honest about his intentions or a guy that cloaks the same activities in concern, love and promises of "forever." I will let you know Posse.

double ended volcano

2009-09-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I twisted my ankle wearing rediculously high heels while out with my gays in WeHo. I was fine until Saturday morning when I found myself in the emergency room being X-rayed, splinted and shot in the ass with morphene. As the doc approached me with the needle I said, "Isn't that a little extreme shooting me with (shot) mooorreephene...helloooooo lover. Where ya been all my life?" I spent the rest of the weekend popping pain pills, in and out of conciousness. It is a drug fuled blurr to be honest. Monday, I overslept for my company con call, fell asleep while on it and then slept a good portion of the day on the clock. I do not fare well with pain meds as Monday afternoon I started throwing up. The problem for me is there is no lead time. No tell-tale mouth watering, sweaty brow, churning stomach....you are just there and the next thing you know you are spewing the Niagra Falls of vomit onto whatever happens to be in your path. This continued on until Tuesday when I mustered the nerve to leave my place. I did some work related errand. I was out at the UPS store when something really unexpected happened. I shit my pants. Same as the barfing. No warning. No burning. I ran out of the UPS store hoping nobody noticed and came home. No more incidents last night, phew. This morning I got up and took the dogs out. Shit my pants, more accurately shorts. Thank God I was wearing a long sweater or that would have been even more embarassing. I white knuckled it through the day as I had to take the train down to Orange County and sit in long meetings not knowing if my body would continue to rebel on me. MILFie and I were talking today and I expressed my fear. She said, "I hope your brought double of everything! And also some Pleasure Wipes would come in handy!" I limped through the day on my crutches fearful that every grumble and groan in my belly would lead to professional doom. You can imagine my relief when I got back on the train home without incident. I texted MILFie, "I didn't shit my pants today!! I rolled the dice and ate some cheese. LITERALLY a crapshoot!" yay! It dawned on me that I am either WAYYYYY too old or WAYYYY to young to be worrying about such things. At this stage of my life, I shouldn't give a shit.

One is silver and the other's gold....

2009-09-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

Who knew the Girl Scouts would still be relevant for this old bag? The song about making new friends and keeping the old is still quite apt. OriginalKat is genuINE, certified 14K gold friendness. We have been friends since grade school with a brief (9 or 10 year??) lapse in conversation. Humiliating gym uniforms and spin the bottle at Elm Place middle school. Deep psychic pubescent wounds that will never heal (thank you DM!) Getting high together at HPHS, travelled the world singing with the choir, forged our way into the world after college (me living on her sofa pretty much for a year afterward,) we were bridesmaids for one another. Great friends just have a short-hand. Years melt...she is uber mom to three beautiful boys. I was somewhat pissed that the older one didn't recognize me, he has met me...(running around in diapers at 1 1/2...but still!) The Husband is still that great amazing catch she recognized 14 years ago this Wednesday (bridesmaid and florist for her wedding. First event ever at the restored Navy Pier and it was just magical!) We spent the evening talking about past experiences, lost friends and current woes. The beautiful thing about it to me is that there is no wall..no representative. We just talked honestly. Two women. Two friends.

The bar across the street from her apartment she so graciously allowed me to squat in after college in Chicago...above the Time Well (remember the rope fire ladder your dad bought you OriginalKat???) was call the Crash Palace (cherry bombs are deadly by the way.) Her fav tshirt is one from there...Elvis shoveling a fork full of pills into his mouth. I had that shirt too and lost it. I need to be more thoughtful with things I care about from my past. Love you OriginalKat!

I found this review of the Crash Palace on the internets....seems appropriate as this is where we spent EVERY Wednesday for years;

"The Crash Palace is dark. The people wear black. The music is hip. The music is loud. The drinks are cheap. The men's restroom is dirty. The Psychotronic Film Society presents B movies here once a week. There is no one here on weekdays until late. There is no cover any day of the week. There are images of Jesus on the red walls. You'll probably either really like this place or dislike it intensely."

– Sweet Home Chicago – The Real City Guide (1993)

I will school you boyz!

2009-09-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

BurningManChild

2009-09-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

It is Wednesday and I have been up since 5AM. I have over 200 miles to drive and five account calls ahead of me today. Tomorrow will be much the same.

It has been a quiet week, Freakishly Tall Guy is at Burningman. SurfGirl just dumped her famous movie star boyfriend and he was also desert bound. I don't get it. From what I gather, it is a drug and sex party attended by 220,000 people all coming together to be individuals. Hey, I did something similar when I was in my 2os...it was called the Grateful Dead. At least we had some shitty music to bind us together. Some guy I was talking to told me that he had thought the same thing about Burningman until he went, "It is a cultural happening. A celebration!" When pressed about what the cohesive theme to this event was he said, "It is like Mardi Gras and Carnival rolled into one!" Yup, drug and sex party like I said. SurfGirl and I pinkie truced that if we ever dated a man that aspired to go to Burningman that was an immediate termination. Irresponsible and juvenile. I suspect after a few days in the desert with free love and no showers, Pleasure Wipes are looking pretty darn good.

Went back to the Internet fishing hole to work on my pipeline. Have a couple of tunas on the hook. Have not heard from SoonToBeFameousGuy. Have a date with LaundryMan Friday. It was a bit of an awkward conversation with him last night. Last time we chatted, I told him he needed to work on his kissing (there MAY have been alcohol involved.) Last night he told me he had hired a hooker to work on his skillz with...I just played dumb and pretended not to know what he was talking about. Oopsie! Reason ten thousand and one on why not to drink and chat. In my own defense, he is the worst kisser ever.

One door closes....let's see what's behind door no. 2

2009-08-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if me being a bit blue today is a function of being tired and hung over or that our good time last night was ruined, partially by me. Freakishly Tall Guy texting me also bummed me out. I was lead down the primrose path by him and I feel pretty duped. Pretty amazing that a guy like that can get endless tail.

Speaking of endless tail, I should perk up. I have a date with SoonToBeFameousGuy. I have known him for months, neighborhood guy. Pretty cute, tall but a "comedian." My response was, "yeah, so am I." Living in LA I have developed an immediate distaste for those in the "biz" and dismissed him without a second thought. Most actors etc. are narcissistic hacks that are pretty vapid in my experience. On my date a couple of weeks ago, SoonToBeFameousGuy was flirting with me in front of the LaundryMan. He followed me outside to have a cig and said, "I just got the trailer for my show today. I'm pretty excited. Wanna see?" Anticipating a low budget public access type trailer a la Wayne's World I nonchalantly said, "yeah. Sure." He pulled out his iPhone and starts the video for his show, that is debuting next season on Fox called 'The SoonToBeFameousGuy Show.' Color me gobsmacked. He is actually a working actor with his own show coming out. Hello lover......We have been texting for a couple of weeks and just haven't been able to hook up. Tonight's the night!

UPDATE: Fell asleep on the couch. Missed our date. Oopsie.

Liza at the Bowl

2009-08-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

It it embarrassing for me to have a Prince Charming. Hollywood Bowl for Liza tonight with my gays. ABC chick and I were taking too loudly for some people's preference. Nobody said a word...until intermission. Gay douche behind me slapped my drink out of my hand. I was soaked as was the poor girl in front of me. They called over the ushers...who got their managers...got ugly. Nobody likes a group of nasty queens. I was sopping wet, the dramz was too much so we left. Pretty expensive couple of hours. In the meantime...FTG was inviting me over for a 3some (he has a big pair doesn't he? EW!)....SoonToBeFameous guy wants to hang out and party, Laundry Guy...well just texting. My hero is ABC Chick. Maybe I should look more closely at being a lesbian.

RIP FTG

2009-08-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

A week of revelations.

In LA, it is hard to believe I could meet people that know Freakishly Tall Guy but I did. He has quite the reputation for being a "doll collector" and I have been his latest conquest. I am freaking out as I am now confident he is not very selective on where he sticks his penis. Every itch I have is scabies, every zit forming is herpes and every stomachache is the clap. I (PROBABLY) didn't catch anything, but the idea is keeping me up at night. In this instance, KnitStar's observation that most men are looking for three quiet wet spots with no sharp edges is spot on. EW.

How is quantity over quality more rewarding? FTG asked me over last night and I just couldn't manage the doe-eyed empty gaze, pursed lips and "momma" when you tipped me over. When I think of his place now, it is a bio hazard zone in my mind. Just couldn't do it. Done. How can other women accept this? He does it because they allow it. What does this say about us as women in LA? Despite being seemingly tough, I recognize that I have a porcelain exterior. I am not going to wait around for that to be broken or chipped. Or to be tossed aside for a shiny new doll. I collected dolls once too, but then I grew up.

Facing My Fears.....Fueled By Beers

2009-08-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

One of my friends noted that I seem to put myself in bizarre situations constantly. Last weekend, I finally agreed to go with my new girl crush SurfGirl and learn to surf. I also told Mellow I am going to take the plunge and learn to dive. Tonight, I am having dinner with a couple that does extreme BDSM porn. Saturday, 3some...this time with another girl. In the light of day, it is apparent to me that I am a big chicken and this was alcohol talking. Will I go through with it? Absofuckinglutely! My 3rd grade SpellingPartner (and best friend up until a blow out fight about 7 years ago...) used to be the more adventurous of the two us. She went lesbo for a while, then was part of a Poly relationship, dated tons of different ethnicities.....now, she is married to a Jewish doctor, two kids and living in the suburbs. She is a housewife. When telling her about my opportunities I was surprised by the verve with which she said, "DO IT!!!! Do it while you still can! We aren't getting any younger and take every opportunity that comes your way!!!" As lonely as my life can be from time to time, at least I can still have experiences that most only fantasize about. While I continue on my quest for Mr. Right, I need to remember what a blessing total freedom can be and not waste it. I should be taking my writing classes, climbing mountains, interacting with all kinds of diverse people. I may be a chicken, but I am a free range one! Some may say DEranged....

Bad Fad

2009-08-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

Never wanting to miss a fad, I was strangely fascinated by the Pleasure Wipes. Am I so old school that I think good hygiene and soap and water is enough to make my deep cavernous hole a tasty treat to men? If you ask me, my shit is tight and is very much like sucking on moonbeams or having an encounter with a mythical unicorn. Then again, what I know about men could fill a thimble and my opinion (sadly) doesn't matter. I was wondering if I was out of touch with pussy protocol, as if I were walking around with a 70s bush baby downtown...so I polled the posse. In my defense, 100% polled have never heard of a Pleasure Wipe. The women universally wondered how nasty does your shit have to be and what funk are you trying to cover to use them? With one exception, the men all prefer a woman to smell and taste like a woman. The exception, the very kinky Japanese guy I am friends with. He said, "VANILLA!!! I would be there for a day straight!" Of note was how often the men did mention they have had a disgusting encounter downtown where the Pleasure Wipe would have been of use. I am happy to say after my super scientific research that the fad is bad! Also at stake here, my personal well-being. One degree of separation from someone that obviously needs this level of personal cover-up is likely to have some bad ju ju going on. Bad ju ju=stinky spoo spoo. Nuff said.

Coming down from the buzz is a bitch

2009-08-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that when you reach a certain age, dating is much different than it was when you were younger. Youth allows you a certain wanton recklessness with your time and who your are dating is a function of how much fun they are. This is how I spent my 20s and 30s. I never really "picked" who I was with. I found myself falling from one serious relationship to the next, leaving when my needs stopped being met or something new and shiny caught my attention. As long as you didn't catch something like a disease or a baby, it is all fun and games and nothing went on your permanent record.

Now, I am 40 something.

It is an entirely different landscape. Los Angeles exacerbates the symptoms, like dropping dating acid. It is surreal, unpredictable and the minute you start to trip balls you want it to end. I was with Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I haven't seen him for a week and when I complained you may remember he told me to "get some filler booty." He did call me Saturday night for a booty call at 12:30....I told him I was with "filler booty" and couldn't come over. It is amazing what Sherlock Holmes (me) notices when I come into his apartment. There is a new decorative refrigerator magnet...an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio (FTG would die of thirst before he ever drank that.) When I went in the bathroom there was a wrapper for "Pleasure Wipes" in strawberry flavor in the garbage can. Yea, we had fun. Yea, the sex was great. Somehow that isn't enough. I am coming down from my high and want it to end.

I am worried about what will go on my permanent record now. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to keep my cookie neat and clean by showering and not have to use "Pleasure Wipes." I want sex to smell and taste like sex...not the available flavors of vanilla, mango or strawberry (or in my mind, scented candles, tropical fruit drink or straberry shortcake.) Someone that wants (or more scary, NEEDS) their cookie to taste like a strawberry shortcake is likely someone I don't want to be one degree of separation from.

This isn't going anywhere. According to Doc, he does like me but for whatever reason, I am not going to be someone he commits to. It would be much easier if I could find some dating weed to take the edge off of coming down.

nip slip

2009-08-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

Sonofabitch. I have gotten pretty spoiled working from my home office. I resented getting showered and dressed on a Monday morning. Usually I rock Mondays out in sweats and tshrit. Basically, jammies. Had to do a training this morning and got all professional: fluffy and shiny. I do my training, and on my way out I notice my left nipple decided to make a run for the border. Did I mention my blouse was a couture Nanette Lapour ridiculously expensive top...and see-thru? So, I showed my tit to twenty of my former co-workers. As I am digesting what occurred, I had the thought...dammit! It cost me a fortune to look this cheap.

so much for the flow.....

2009-08-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: tentative plans with FTG today and I just got this IM;

FTG: hey you - had fun yesterday! poor "happy but unsatisifed whore"! LOL see you soon...

I love the impersonal, hey YOU.....guess we aren't doing anything today. Good for me, going to Venice with AppleBottom anyway.

UPDATE: FTG wanted me to come over at 8. I said no. Tuesday perhaps? Perhaps.......

Chop Wood, Carry Water

2009-08-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning and reflecting on my weekend. Friday, had a blast with Freakishly Tall Guy and AppleBottom. First, started over at FTG's house for a little "reunion" if you catch my drift. We hadn't seen each other for a week and a half and had some catching up to do. Interesting going to meet AppleBottom with rope marks on my arms and chest...we also wore the "I've tried Menage a Trois" buttons that AppleBottom gave me as a joke. Don't think she would have given them to me if she thought I would actually wear them. We went to Cafe Cordilaire....ok R&B band and lots of wine. Went to the Chimney Sweep afterward, I was cut off before I even got started there. I got to spend the night at FTG's house. It has been so long since I have slept in someone's arms. I have to say, I really miss it.

Saturday, we slept in, fooled around a couple more times. We went the ABC chick's bday party in Malibu. It was nice to have a +1. The Kittens and The Brads were fun as usual. FTG had to leave early, but I stayed spending a nice relaxing day on the beach with some good company.

I am looking for some odd angle, or a place to insert some acerbic witticism into this story, but I can't find it. It was comfortable being with FTG. I am at center right now. I am not wrestling with any internal turmoil. I am like water and FTG is the rock that I flow over, slowly wearing down. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I am happy to go with the flow for now. I inadvertently smuggled some of Paradise Cove back to the Valley. I am like the Thomas's English Muffin for sand, so many nooks and crannies to hide in! Shower then mourning the weekend. It was a nice one.

Being a minx is a double edged sword.......

2009-08-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Travelled with Current Boss all day today. I think my emo hormonal shit from going back on the kill pill has passed. I had a great day. Until 5PM. There was an industry drinking and fighting event at the Sagebrush today. En route, I had to confess to Current Boss that I had a bit of an awkward situation about to unfold. I had (inadvertantly) found myself dating my Old Boss. Current Boss found this hysterically funny. Over the last 8 years, I have considered Old Boss a friend. Often, we would get together for drinks and go to industry events in groups. Several months ago, the invitations were coming more frequently, and the groups becoming smaller. Finally, we were at a Laker's game when it dawned on me that, holy shit! I am on a date with Old Boss! As I had this epiphany, he reached for my hand. FUCK!!! I handled this in the most mature fashion I could muster, I just stopped taking his calls or answering texts and emails. I know he has been butt hurt, I am hearing it from a lot of people. I had to face the inevitable, and that was tonight. I warned Current Boss that I expected him to be my human shield. I took a deep breath as we approached Sagebrush and motherfucker! Old Boss was blocking the only entrance into the bar. He greeted me with an enthusiastic, "Kaatttt!!! How are you?!?!?!" and then looked me up and down commenting on how much weight I have lost and that I am too skinny...Current Boss crept away. I tore myself away from Old Boss and smacked Current Boss, "way to be a human shield! And thanks for ditching me!!" He said he did body block but I went in front of him instead of in back and, "I had to leave when he started checking you out, got creepy....." Old Boss sort of followed me around.

Adding to the discomfort of the evening, I also ran into Potential Future Boss. He offered me a job back in Jan. Mind you, he has been trying to hire me for five years. I told him I was interested, and never heard from him again. Basically, he doesn't trust himself to control his penis around me which is why he didn't hire me. Good times.

I did hear from Freakishly Tall Guy today. My stomach flipped when he asked to chat with me, I was convinced I was being dumped. He wants to spend Friday and all day Saturday with me! What a nice surprise! I am looking forward to this weekend. It is nice to have some wanted male attention! Meow!

Beach Party!

2009-08-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday night I lost my shit on Freakishly Tall Guy. He has been invited to a party with me next Saturday thrown by The Kittens and our best gays, The Brads. This is sure to be a top-shelf event as that is how The Kittens and The Brads roll. I have been planning my outfit for this beach party for a month. I got my nails done in a hot pink with white flowers and pink diamonds on my toes to match my hot pink bikini and floral wrap. I bought the bday girl a $70 bottle of Woodford Reserve whiskey and ordered a lei. I still am on a quest for the perfect card. The "official" beach party goes from 2-5 but we were told to plan on partying way into the evening. So, when FTG told me he had to leave to help a "friend" at 7.....frankly I was pissed. I am allowing him to be my "plus one" to this event, and some other bitch will be getting laid Saturday night. Mind you, this convo did happen at 10PM Sunday, I was exhausted, just started back on the kill pill and have been emo for several days and the full moon cometh. So, I apologized to FTG yesterday and he was ice cold. I asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he non-commitally said, "We had plans Wednesday. er, ok if we had plans I guess so......" No surprise I get the text yesterday afternoon bowing out as he has to go "work." I am beyond caring so I just gave him some, "go get 'em tigers! Land that account! No worries....." Normally, if we had to change plans he would give me an alternate time..but nope. So, in true metaphysics 101 fashion....just as I was taking his news with equanimity...I get an email from a guy I have been talking to on Plentyoffish.com. Hot hot hot piece of ass and seems funny and smart from our emails. He wants to meet and the only day he can do cocktails is Wednesday! One door closes, another one opens. Ultimately, I fucked up with FTG. Sissy thinks he will bail on the Kitten party yet. As Annie Hall would say, "la ti dah, la ti dah!"

Deep Thoughts and Tough Love

2009-08-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

In my conversation today with Latin Lover, he gives me some sage advice regarding men;

Latin Lover: men have no commitment to anything, men are like animals, the second they find something new to sniff or something they are interested in, they're gonna do it unless they fear consequences. men in power, will do whatever they want, and all you do is let men have power

spankie: hm

Latin Lover: regardless of how cool or not you are, he doesn't appreciate what he doesn't have because, well he's a spoiled rotten guy. you can let him have sexual power, but you've given him sexual power and power in the relationship, friendship or sexual relationship or emotional relationship. he will treat you as he wishes

spankie: seriously....gives me something to chew on

Latin Lover: yeah and we both know you like putting things in your mouth

Have a Fierce August Boyz!

2009-08-03T10:05:00.001-07:00

I'll make you sweat....
Love Betty OXOXO

WWABD?

2009-08-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

It is Monday and I am exhausted today. I was thinking last night that I really wanted to go to sleep, but if I did it would be Monday. My job is becoming the Freddie Kruger of my Sunday nights, don't go to bed...just DON'T GO TO SLEEP! I have been working to keep my pipeline full. I have been dating like a fool. I went out with the Handicapped guy. He is incredibly good looking, funny, smart...but ultimately I am too shallow to date someone with an extreme handicap. BBFF is back in the picture. I knew he would come back eventually. He is Sex Meat and Potatoes, the smart choice on a variety of levels. Freakishly Tall Guy has been throwing some mad mixed messages. He gets very boyfriendy....yet I haven't rated a weekend date for three weeks now. He has "friends" and "they" are staying over, or he is staying with a "friend" in Santa Monica and "they" are going to take him to the airport, or this next Saturday we have plans which he will have to leave to help his "friend" set up for a wedding at 7pm and "they" asked him for help months ago. I get that I am just a pleasurable toy for him, I just don't like to have my nosed rubbed in it. There are two things I do not suffer well in this world; fools and liars. He is treating me like a fool and he is lying. As Hunter S. Thompson said, "In a world of thieves, the final sin is stupidity." I would like to make sure I do not fall into that category. I have other tunas on the hook, I will write more at those stories unfold. My new inspiration for coquettish fuckery is Anne Boleyn and I find myself trying to quash my gut reaction and ask myself, WWABD? I am cultivating my inner minx and it is working......let's hope I don't lose my head!

Body Temple Night

2009-07-18T20:55:00.001-07:00

I decided to lay low after a super fun night with my Kittens and Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I cannot imagine how many dirty martinis I imbibed last night, but from how I am feeling today....I must have depleted the world's supply of Kettle One. I was supposed to go on a date tonight but just had to bail. I cannot rally. It is a shame because I was really looking forward to seeing The ChoirBoy. I have come to the realization I have to dial it back a scotch. I am dragging all the time and not hitting the gym regularly enough, eating well (or at all on some days,) and have a disgusting smoker's hack. Yes it's been fun...but I am getting too old for this shit and the rebound time is ridiculous. The irony is, I am really happy right now. I am dating a lot and really spending some quality time with my friends. I have taken control of things that have been looming over my head for a while. I have rid myself of the emotional vampires that tend to glom on to me. Financially, I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. My job is going well, my boss has been leaving me alone. Things are no longer spiraling out of control. Peaceful and happy....huh. Such an unfamiliar sensation.

Giving myself the yellow card

2009-07-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the whorey saddle after my unfortunate experience with Minty Tingles. I am officially addicted to Sex Crack...aka Freakishly Tall Guy. Last weekend was an insane blurr of drunken activities with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse and filthy sex. Saturday I had a 3some with Freakisly Tall Guy and the Sadist. What an intense experience. Hard to know where to focus, there was so much going on. During the process, I did stop to think how grateful I was that I had gone back to the gym so I could keep up! Freakishly Tall Guy was incredibly attentive and protective of me. It is weird to feel so cared for in such a filthy scenario. It is also odd to feel so proud of my "accomplishment" after being complimented for my performance. Saturday nights activities were follow by a naked pool party on Sunday. Never in my life did I imagine I would be trotting around naked, watching people do filthy sex acts while eating a cheeseburger. It is surreal. Boundaries crossed, skin bruised, taboos broken.....if life is a buffet as Auntie Mame claims, I certainly am not starving to death. I am more worried about gout.

The challenge will be not to get attached to him. During these intense situations one does make connections. I am like a dude in that I can separate sex and emotion but this is different. He has made it clear he has no interest in having more of a relationship and will not stop seeing other girls. He had a little freak out on me this week sensing I was developing feelings. We went out with my best lesbians last night and had a wonderful time. I need to step back and reaccess my situation. I am going to get hurt, badly.

Minty tingles and ready to mingles......

2009-07-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful holiday weekend. Probably one of the best ever, marred only by the fact I didn't get laid and am having a severe allergic reaction. I know I am allergic to spermacide...which I told Freakishly Tall Guy. Initially, as the allergic reaction unfolds, you can write it off as a bunch of different things, healing, UTI developing, STD developing....but eventually I had that Aaha! moment when it occrred to me to ask if the condoms had spermacide. Not only did they have spermacide, they have the bonus kick of "Minty Tingles" on the label. Minty tingles my ass!!! A marketing misnomer, should say "with fire in the hole" on the label. Not fun, and I have been put out of comission for a week now trying to get over this. In any event, I have a big date with Freakishly Tall Guy Saturday and a fun night planned for the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse on Friday at the Sweep. I just need to get through the next couple of work days. I have to be in San Diego by 9 am tomorrow, have to leave my house at 4 AM to catch the train. NOT a happy camper. I wonder if you can amputate your vagina?

Bondage Bonsai!

2009-07-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am much more lucid today than last night. I met so many amazing people and had such a nice night. As I am rolling endless ears of corn in tin foil for the BBQ I am going to I can't help but think about how much I would like to be experiencing this weekend with someone special. I can be pretty cold and tough, but this BBFF not calling me thing has had me borderline weepy all week. He is a great guy, juxtaposed with Freakishly Tall Guy that wants to do some very filthy sexual activities with me. I am kinky for sure, but what he is suggesting pushes my boundaries. Sex parties, fetish clubs and threesomes! Oh my! What a lucky girl I am. I have some pretty purient sexual desires as is. What if I try these things and start to really really like them? I don't need to try crack to know I will likely enjoy it very much and become addicted. Why am I contemplating elevating Freakishly Tall Guy from Sex Candy to Sex Crack? It has proven impossible for me to find someone I want to be with. Imagine if I add, "turning me into Shibari Barbie" to the list of "must haves." I will be totally fucked! I have a week to decide. I need to leave and enjoy a weiner of an entirely different kind with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Hope all of you are having as nice a holiday weekend as mine is shaping up to be.

Don't drink and blog...or try to make sense....

2009-07-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

Talked to a tranny all night at the Sweep that thought she was passing. She wasn't. Unless you were Persian. Lucky charms! Wonderful night at the Sweep as usual. I was a Bar Star. I may just be too fucked up to blog about it. I cannot spell for shit and am using AppleBottom's driving technique by closing one eye. Nothing good comes of this so I should just say good night. I am going..really really leavinng. Will try to make sense of this at a later date. Peace out, I am FUCKED UP.

UPDATE: As fucked up as I am I still have to trot the hounds. They are very obediant so at this time of night, took them out off leash. They love it, we ran for blocks.....I try to tire them out with running away and then running back. It is shameful I have these kinds of dogs confined to an apartment. So, we get back inside the gates, and they go NUTS. Random guy, dropping off his rent check. Welcome to my "secure" complex. Who is randomly buzzing people in? Heads gonna roll tomorrow. I hear the buzzer now...kill kill kill.

Happy 4th!! See you at the beach bitches!

2009-07-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'll make you see fireworks boys! xoxoxo Betty

Didn't see this one coming (as usual!)

2009-07-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

Just got back from some Sex Candy with Freakishly Tall Guy. I was a bit flippin' my lid on the way in....he mentioned he had a "proposal" for me. Sissy said, "THREESOME!" I reminded her, in my world you can never go to the logical place. You have to just let things unfold and know the outcome will be the last thing you ever expected. I went to his apartment and we drank wine and chatted for almost two hours. He said, "not to give you a big head but I have to say I have sunk considerable time into finding your blog." I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks, nice to know he is thinking of me. So, the "proposal." He said he would like to take it to the next level and spend more time together. "We don't always have to do sexual things. We could just hang out and BBQ." He also made me promise the next time I was as sick as I was Sunday, I would call him. "After everything you have done for me, I could bring you some chicken soup. Promise you'll call?" WTF? Was today opposite day and I missed the memo? Ultimately, we had wild monkey sex, blah blah blah. My head is still spinning from "the proposal." He likes me? I was taken aback, thought we might grab hands and start singing kumbaya. Holy fuck! Oh yes, and we had our first kiss tonight. Color me gobsmacked. Last thing I expected tonight (and finally, in a good way!)

NOTE: Thought the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse would prefer a picture of Gene Simmons rather than some cheesy kissy pic...hope you got the joke!

How Am I So Fucking Stupid...Still??

2009-06-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

In what I am sure is an exercise in futility.....I wait for BBFF to call. On an intellectual level, I know he won't. The teenage girl inside still holds out hope. There hasn't been any communication since I texted him Wednesday saying, "You either really suck at this or you don't like me. You going to ask me out again?" He replied back, "Aggressive, I like that. And I do suck at this. Call you Monday." Monday? WTF? I just find it so hard to believe I was so wrong about this. I cannot be that retarded!!!! I will let you know if the extremely unlikely happens. Sigh. I am so sick of this shit.

UPDATE: 11 PM and no call. I knew it. Went to the Sweep and met KnitStar and her Ex for a drink. Ended up talking to the band leader from American Idol. Super cool guy, lives in the neighborhood and we are going to have a drink at some later date. On my walk back, some creepy guy was following me in his car shouting out the window at me. "You're cute, what's your name, what are you doing all by yourself?" It flipped me out. I initially ignored him, then told him to leave me along, finally telling him to FUCK OFF! "Cunt! Better watch who you shoot your mouth off to!" as he went to do another U-turn to get to my side of the street. Pretty scary shizzle, I must say. I crossed the street and ducked thru the courtyard to a neighboring building which lets out in the alley behind my apartment. I quickly (while shaking!) got my gate key out....I could see him cruising the streets looking for me. Awesome!

Partying with the Gays and bonus! ManTits sighting!

2009-06-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

You just know it is going to be a rough day when you wake up burping Kettle One and reek of Camel Lights and lime. Yeah, I am sexxxy like that..... Went to the Abbey with AppleBottom and SuperHotV last night....the usual. Danced our asses off and drank too much. Up too late. Every other song was Lady GaGa a Go Go! She is officially the new gay icon! At the end of the night, we went to the bathroom....a half hour wait in line. Some poor Asian chick barfed in the garbage can, I held her hair. We were almost at the stalls and some dumb bizzy butted to the front of the line and sholder checked AppleBottom. She had NO idea who she was messing with! AppleBottom stepped up on her and let her ghetto side show and threatened to kick her ass. I created a human barrier in between them, I think she actually would have. Best part, dumb bizzy dropped her Prada bag in the garbage can accidentally on the way out. She fished it out and there was vomit dripping off of it. Everyone in line just laughed and taunted her refusing to help her. "Karma is a bitch!" one yelled at her. V's husband met us there after work. I think it is so cool when guys are comfortable enough with themselves to go to a gay bar, he was even hit on! We had a great time! Unfortunately, it is 6 PM on Sunday and I still feel like shit. AppleBottom texted me this morning, "I feel like shit. I didn't get da memo im 2 old 4 dis shit. lol!" Well put sissy. Lessons learned from last night; A. we are too old for this shit B. Don't fuck with AppleBottom, she will cut you bitch! and C. when at a gay bar, tell them you are transgendered and you will sue if they don't let you use the men's room.

ManTits sighting! My dogs just went bananas barking out the window....ManTits is walking in front of my building holding hands with a chick! And she is not fat or wearing mom jeans. All I can say to her is, you'll be sorry..........and also not getting any. ManTits can't get it up.

UPDATE: Greatest text ever from AppleBottom, "need to delete the pic of me licking the gay boy's nipple. Good ammo in the custody battle." LOL!

FAIL

2009-06-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

To be or not to be? THAT is the question. I am on beer ten bajillion.....shall I add beer ten bajillion and one to the equation? (Don't mind if I do!) As night time Kat ALWAYS fucks over day time Kat we say MILLER TIME! I am ripshit fucked up. I have so many great ideas on what I want to talk about. I will just rant tonight. I am exhausted, five days straight of travel. I clipped myself in the eye with the mascara brush this morning and looked super stoned all day...burning eyes. I worked for 14 hours....didn't eat and then starting drinking the second I got home. I cannot believe BBFF hasn't called. I am genuinely devistated. I have to close one eye when I type to read this. 100% FAIL for the week. Now I start to hiccup. I should put that last bit on my family Christmas card.

Hump Day Sucks

2009-06-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

This week is proving to be pure misery for the girl here. I am travelling every day. Talked on the phone until 1:30 last night and got super drunk. This morning came around....well, I want to die. So, BBFF hasn't called. I am not supposed to know this but he is going out with his ex this weekend. They were together for 14 years and she still has her claws in him. Evidentially, she is trying to get 15 grand out of him for a recent shopping spree. Not sure how to handle this situatuation. Suggestions?

Baaaa means no...

2009-06-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot happen this week, and I have been worked to death. I saw Freakishly Tall Guy for some sex candy. I am a bit worried, I think he may have baited and switched me with the condom.....I have my reasons but will protect you innocents from graphic details. Needless to say, I am flipped out and likely not going to see him again. What is somewhat flattering, Freakishly Tall Guy spent over an hour after I left searching for my blog. To no avail. Friday, went out with Duke, Boobs, Mellow to the Sagebrush. Worst band ever playing...and we got drunk. Mellow's wife has been out of town for a week and he was uncharacteristically dirty. I asked, "come on now, it has only been a week, how bad can it be?" And he replied, "There are some sheep that graze the hill behind my house. Let me just say, they have a worried look on their face." The quote of the evening was Duke's reply, "Mellow, I am going to get you a shirt that says, BAAAA means NO!" Saturday night I had a date with BBFF. I drove to Hunting Beach to meet him at Savannah's. It was a lovely restaurant on the beach. We had a delightful time, filet and pinot. After dinner, I guess I rated date package number 1. He mentioned he had a bottle of wine and blankets in his car and suggested we collect them and hit the beach. We arranged our stuff and talked forever, he was quite funny and seems smitten with me. I told him during the course of our conversation that what I knew about men could fill a thimble. He said it was quite a coincidence, as his manhood could actually fill a thimble. We kissed, and rolled around in the sand..just magical. He whispered in my ear, "I know what you are thinking now?" Yes? "thimble." He was witty and handsome and well..I may be smitten too. I have to say, BBFF is very intruiging to me. To use verbiage from my old sorority days, I may just suicide. Let's see if he feels the same.
AN ASIDE: Happy Father's Day! I called my daddy (yes ChiBird, I still call my dad daddy too) to wish him a Happy Father's Day!!!!! Evidentially, while sucking face with BBFF my phone decided to randomly call him, twice. Guess I left a nice couple of messages for my dad who still thinks I am a virgin. Sweet!

Only mildly agitated (cannot afford shaken or stirred)

2009-06-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am a baller on a budget, and this week has been a good one for the recessionista that I have (had to) become. Wednesday, AppleBottom and I had cocktails with another friend, who expensed the check! (Who has an expense account these days?) Friday, we went dancing at Cafe Cordilaire with AppleBottom and KnittingFriend. The club looks like the painting from the beginning of Good Times, we were the only white people there. Band was off the chain! Everything from Fitty Cent to Curtis Mayfield (I went bananas!) When the bill came, this rather large black man took care of it for us. I grabbed AppleBottom's ass and thanked her delicious booty for the free drinks...over a hundos worth! Saturday was my company Angles game. Again, AppleBottom, KnittingFriend, SuperHotV all accompanied me. This is the only day of the year I get to boss my boss, "Put some cheese on that burger NOW, bitch!" We tailgated and missed most of the game. Boss's best friend (BBFF) started chatting me up. We got kicked out of the park and ended up at some sports bar in OC. Had a blast....great people, great conversation is my thing. When I got home, I noticed that my OfficeManager was blowing up my phone, BBFF was begging her for my number, "love at first sight" he said. I told her to go ahead and give it to him. He called and we talked until 3 am...potentially career ending. What will go down as the Worst Idea Ever, I am going to go out with him.

I'll Even Take a Partial One At This Point...

2009-06-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

I need a brain abortion. I had a soul sucking day in a training about the most banal of electronics today given by Grandpa Simpson. This guy is legendary for his ability to prattle on and on about nothing. I knew it would be bad, just never prepared for the reality of just how bad it can get. Initially, I entertained myself by counting how many times Gpa Simpson said, "and stuff like that." His personal best was 17 times in one 30 minute interval. That got boring. Then I focused on his ability to be a total asshole without even realizing it. Gpa Simpson, "Joe, Bill and Bob are about the best in the room letting me know about new applications. They are brilliant and in touch with what is going on. Or, they could be complete idiots that are feeding me a line of (pardon my language) bullcookies because I don't hear from the rest of you." We all let out a communal, ouch! Frickin' cold dude! I enjoyed being a fly on the wall as he talked to the salesman from Israel, "I find men do better there. Women, they don't like Israel because of all the dirt. It is really dusty and dirty. Women don't like it." Not sure what tickled me more, his complete misogyny or ability to insult and entire culture without even realizing it. My boss and I were cracking up, I was like, "please don't send me to Israel. I hear it is a backward dirt pit...not that I mind that over being stoned in the streets for showing skin." At one point my buddy, Mr. Slick leaned over and we hatched a plan. Mr. Slick said, "look. If he doesn't shut up soon I am going to make myself vomit. I don't care if I have to stick my entire arm down my throat and grab my liver to make that happen. I am getting out of here somehow." I told him he had better barf on me so I could go too. Thanked him for having my back, or front, or whatever part of me he wanted to barf on. I was grateful to be included in his plan. At some point, my head was lolling around in my chair and I told my co-worker that I was going to attack him and stick a fork in his eye. He handed me a pen, that is all we had handy. My torture finally came to a close and I opted out of more forced fun with dinner. I stopped at the Sev on my way home and got the ultimate complidiss from the cashier. He told me he didn't recognize me as I was dressed nicely, my hair was done and I was looking pretty. Um. Thanks?

oh Baby Baby

2009-06-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I reconnected with one of my very best friends from high school. She is more gorgeous than I remember and honestly, one of the smartest people I have ever known. I hate that I suck so badly at keeping in touch with people, but Facebook has been pretty cool for making up for years of my laziness. I am so overjoyed to have had a chance to talk to her. She did drop a bomb shell, she just found out she is pregnant. And she is 6 1/2 months along.....she thought she was going thru menopause. Hell, so did I last year so it sounds reasonable to me. I am just happy that at this stage in the game we are still able to get some ass! Yay us! Babies mean one thing to me, knitting! I am talking to Latin Lover about it today;

spankie: yay, little things to knit!!
Latin Lover: pfft, get knitting for the thousands of potential children that will die on your face when Freakishly Tall Guy takes you to a swing party.
spankie: that's a lot of little beanies

Of course, he went there. I am off to have some cocktails at Senior Freds with AppleBottom and a potential new member of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. My chance at killing thousands of potential human beings thrwarted by my broken Cookie.

PS. one day I am going to figure out this Photo Shop thingy, until then, just picture the sperms in little knit caps! Thank you for using your imagination!

Quote of the Trip

2009-06-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

"Bugs, when cooked correctly, taste just like popcorn." Former survival teacher and my friend Hippie. On FB he clarified, "It's true...Popcorn Cricket Crunch. But, I prefer wild onions, lentils, and steamed nettles. Just like chicken."

Sun Sets on Boulder

2009-06-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Friday was a blurr.....working all day, giving my principal the bum's rush to get him to the airport, run home, change, grab bag, dogs...to the kennel! Then fight rush hour traffic to LAX. My reward was barely making it onto my completely packed to the gills flight. Find a spot for my bag and then look at my seat. Fuck! Middle seat, with a very heavy woman on one end and another very heavy woman holding a three year old screaming and fussy child in her lap on the other. I let out an audible sigh, greaaatttt....then tucked my wings to squeeze in my fat lady sandwich seat and closed my eyes. We land, and the fat lady with the obviously too old to hold child said loudly, "Next time you have something to say you should think twice." I told her "I don't care for middle seats, and care for misbehaving children even less." To which she replied, "Oh yeah, well next time book in first class!!" and I said, "How about you just get some!!!!" Oh snap! Suck on that bitch! Why do we have to live in such a Jerry Springer world? My Pretend Boyfriend was waiting for me and we started on the hour drive to Boulder. I was genuinely happy to see him, it has been over a year.
We had some cocktails upon arrival in Boulder, Irish bar then proceeded back to his place. Walking distance from the ped mall. It was hilarious as it was closing time and this is a college town...there were girls barfing, and guys chasing their gfs around saying stuff like, "baby I'm sooo sorry!!" and guys trying to make time, one guy high-fiving his friend saying, "I totally fucked that one up, called her the wrong name!!!" Hard to believe we were once that retarded, but I know at least I was. We got to his house and started to fool around. He has an awesome body and well, again his nick that his guy friends gave him was The Donkey so....I am not sure what his deal was but he was animalistic. Normally I am into that but he really hurt me. And wouldn't stop. Woke me up again Saturday morning for a go, and I realized just how injured I was...still am really. He broke my fucking junk! No joke!
Saturday was perfect. 80 degrees, sun shining on the mountains, perfect breeze blowing. Brunch, some shopping more eating and then happy hour with my Cuz and Cuz's Wife and my friend from college, Hippie. We met on the roof of The Foundry. Cool bar on Pearl street with an amazing view of the mountains as the backdrop for our debauchery. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the quality of people I have in my life and the very interesting things they do. Hippie is a teacher now, but in the past he was a survival instructor. He would take a group of people, armed with only a knife, out into the wilderness and teach them to live off the land for a month. Now he also is a glass blower. He looks exactly the same as he did when we first met, on his first day of college. Round John Lennon glasses (but rose colored, so perfect for him,) bucket hat, glass pendant around his neck that he made. Like a very handsome Hunter S. Thompson. My Cuz and his wife, similarly interesting. The conversation and the cocktails flowed as the sun set on the mountains. Simply. Perfect. They left and My Pretend Boyfriend and I journeyed on. He became retardedly drunk. It got ugly. 'Nuff said.
Sunday we awoke and My Pretend Boyfriend knew enough to apologize but didn't remember why he should. I stormed off and walked into town. Called him a bit later to meet me at The Kitchen for breakfast. He did. I'm cool. Again, 'nuff said. We ate, shopped a bit then went to see The Hangover...hilarious! Two thumbs up! We went home to change and then met my Cuz and my Cuz's Wife at Jax for dinner. Just wonderful everything...wine, food and most importantly company. I was so sad to see the evening draw to a close. My Pretend Boyfriend was enchanting, as he can be. He picked up the dinner check. Wow, just wow on every level. I floated back to his place and then went to bed. You know, without drinking or sex we don't have much in common so it was a quiet walk home.
I woke up this morning and he was gone. I spent the day wandering around Boulder by myself and spending money I don't have. He finished work just in time to take me to the airport and stick his foot in the small of my back pushing me out of the car (not literally, but he might as well have.) Typical ending to a weekend with him. Screaming baby on the flight back too. Joyous. I just got home and am exhausted.
I am looking forward to sleeping and waking up in my own bed, alone as expected (except for the cuddly dog pile, yay!) I may have to seek medical treatment tomorrow. No kidding....I am gushing blood. There were peaks and valleys to this weekend but I don't think I will be going back to Boulder anytime soon. Call me Sisyphus, but don't call me late to dinner.

by the way fuckers....

2009-06-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

so, going on the record to say I know you are reading. I am getting emails. Why don't you assholes post when you see something that tickles you? It PISSES me off to be perfectly honest. I am doing this for feedback for my "real" writing. I would appreciate know what you like...what you don't like. Nobody likes talking into the air. Please post your comments HERE. It doesn't hurt, I promise. Thank you, Kat

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

2009-06-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

No exciting tid bits...as anticipated. You hang out with a couple of MSEEs and that is to be expected. I am so looking forward to my trip tomorrow....packing and stuff. This whole no liquid unless you check thing is punitive for chicks. When I came back from Chicago last summer (as many of you knew, I had just returned from Tahiti, my grandmother died...I had to turn on my heels and go home. Grabbed the wrong wallet...had no credit cards or debit cards...lived on the kindness of my mother which, um. She is a cunt. Day I left, she left me a crisp twenty and I promptly went out and bought a latte and a pack of cigs and a newspaper. Color me fucking stupid when I went to the airport and United had just instituted...that weekend..the $15 bag check fee. Oopsie! I had to dump a brand new bottle of Dolche and Gabanna perfume, some hair product and moisturiser....etc. I estimate the loss at over 4 hundo) Punitive. I am packing my bags and looking for tiny bottles, I know I have them. I just want to smell nice, have good hair and have my skin look like I am not 105. Terrorists. I will kill them.
I am packing my carry-on with books and magazines. Over the shoulder boulder holder...fucking cracking myself up. Going to Boulder as you know.
You all won't hear from me until Tuesday most likely. I find it is best to not talk about someone when they are around.

birds that sing your beautiful songs outside my window starting at 5AM...stfu

2009-06-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

I am tired this morning. Spent my night chatting with ABC Chick. We are posturing for the next dance off, "bring it" she says..."you hear that tap tap tap tap? That is me dancing on your dream!" Oh, it's broughten. Editor was stuck in a hick bar in AZ, we texted until about midnight. Passed the time by talking about Jimmy Choos thus helping her plaid colored, redneck infused world melt away. Finally, a friend of mine, adult woman....is going to band camp, for the banjo!! How oddly cool is that? One time, in band camp.....I reminded her that the banjo was WAYYY bigger than a flute so be careful not to hurt herself! She enlightened me to the fact when you play the banjo it vibrates! Come to think of it, I have never seen a frowning banjo player. Today and tomorrow travelling with my boss. I will likely not have any exciting tid bits to share.

Love, Sex and Ninjas

2009-06-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

Day two no water....the saga continues. I have not showered since I got a little sugar in my bowl on Monday. As one might imagine, it is unpleasant to be around me. Eau de Two-Day-Old-Sex is not good for daytime. Sounds French, smells even Frencher. I have had to cancel meetings yesterday and today. Most disappointing as I was to have lunch with my buddy, SalesRep, that is getting a mail order bride. Yup, just got back from the Philippines and said some lucky lady would have a ring by the end of the year. God bless him, I wish it were that easy for me. SalesRep will be happy spending the rest of his life with a little spinner that cooks and cleans for him. Again, I envy that men are such easy to please creatures. Los Angeles is a fucked up place for men too, I sometimes forget. SalesRep is a catch by any standard. He is handsome, kind, hard working, successful and a wonderful father. He can't get a date to save his life. I am bummed I will not be getting the details of the process or see pictures of his soon to be beloved today. Instead, I will sit here and continue to stew in my own juices.
UPDATE: I did in fact get that shower and bounce to lunch with SalesRep. I saw pictures of his bride to be, very pretty girl. He seems so happy and excited! Of course, I had to ask if he got to test drive, which he did. Bringing a chick back from the Philippenes is somewhat like ripping the tag off a mattress, there is no taking that shit back. Hope it works out for him I was telling Mr. MBA about this and he said that I have got to stop my friend from going back in a couple of months. They will be waiting for him and he will wake up in a hotel bathtub, covered in ice, sans kidney with a phone taped to his hand, 911 on speed dial. Mr. MBA thinks that is what I should write about, make a movie where he goes on a murderous rampage to get back his kindney. He is convinced it has EVERYTHING, love, sex....and ninjas. You gotta have ninjas.....I think I will stick with writing about my vagina (vagninja? there is a joke there somewhere...)

Sex Candy

2009-06-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

Freakishly Tall Guy is sex candy. All empty calories, no good for you and you crash shortly thereafter. Then you want more....vicious cycle. I'm not sure how long this will sustain me, I will likely want something hearty and filling sooner or later. Sex shephard's pie. But until then, this is just fun. I had such a nice time with him. Some wine and conversation and then shamelessly engorging ourselves with sweet bites. (this could easily go graphic and gross, cream filling, gooey centers.....I am doing my best to resist the temptation.) Snacking on sugary treats rarely leads to anything good. By the time your real meal gets here, you aren't hungry.

Pretend Boyfriend

2009-06-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

I had a very nice surprise this am. I was talking to San Fran (who now lives in Boulder, we are going to have to re-think the name)and he asked me to visit. I waffled, I am broke. As we were chitty chatting, I get a ticket confirmation in my inbox! He bought me a ticket to visit next weekend! It is no secret I have been feeling a bit raw lately. This is just what I needed. San Fran is the best pretend boyfriend! Opens doors, pays for everything, brushes the hair out of my eyes...nickname is The Donkey (*wink wink.) Hopefully, some TLC will put all that is wrong right again. Now I have to go get ready to go out with Freakishly Tall Guy. Sigh. No wonder I've been feeling raw, with that guy I am just raw meat.

Crossing my fingers I made it through to the next round

2009-05-31T01:44:00.000-07:00

WHAT a fun night! I met the Editor and ABC Chick at Roosterfish in Venice. I met so many amazing people tonight! First, lets talk about the chick posse. Editor told me she was going to do some research and figure out how we were separated at birth. We like the same music, movies, authors...her father took her to see Freaks at age 9!!! Holy crap! ABC Chick is hilarious. Both of them are gorgeous, smart..funny as hell. What a delicious couple! Their gays, well...let's start with they are my people as a threshold matter. Editor and ABC Chick told them to be nice to me, so I think initially they were on their best behavior...then they met me. Gloves off! I was told that tonight was a litmus test and I could be voted off the island. Most of the gays were named Brad, that was my default...hey...er..Brad. Bound to be right 50% of the time. It was like coming home for me. Everyone is so nice at a gay bar! We danced (Madonna, Madonna, Madonna...what is that? A Madonna song!) I really felt bad when at one point I went to pee and smoke and got talking to a bunch of people outside. The Posse was worried about me! I said to the Editor, "I appreciate that..but did you think I would get raped here or something??" Funniest thing is boobs are boobs, everywhere you go. Gay men still love them and wanna touch them. I let this guy Michael grope one. Why not? He gave me the ultimate compliment, "if I were a woman I would want to be exactly you." Ultimately, I do so love my new girlfriends and am so grateful they opened their lives and friendships to me so willingly. It is so nice to be with real people. I suppose that is the underbelly of Los Angeles, that genuine people actually exist.
P.S. best version of this song was 1990 MTV vid awards...cannot find it ANYWHERE. I also believe it was Madonna's greatest moment ever. Yes, yoga moves are cool...but having a hot dancer lick up your skirt is way hotter. Let me know if you can find the vid to embed here. MUCH more amazing.

I'm Their Best New Straight

2009-05-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Before I went out tonight, I took one of those stupid Facebook quizzes, "How Well Do You Know Men?" A friend took it and scored 100%, thought it was rigged. I took it and got, wait for it...wait....0%. My score was "Pathetic" and I am doomed to "live a very lonely life." I posted on her page that it was accurate as what I know about men would fill a thimble. Perfect for my confidence going into a date. Firefly tonight. As y'all know I am anally on time to the point of ALWAYS being early to everything. So, I got to my date with the Silver Fox almost a half hour early. Waiting for a drink at the bar I was hovering over this chick and she turned around...thought she was going to shit herself. I surprised her. Ohhhh, sorry! I start talking with the chicks (Chatty Kathy, I am prone to talking to EVERYONE) and I met the Editor and ABC Chick. Lesbian couple, together for ten years. Do you know how you feel when you instantly make best friends? Magical, amazing, fucking hilarious women. I said I could be 100% lesbo if it weren't for the whole "downtown" issue. Editor said she hates it too....there are ways around it (color Kat intrigued.) I let them know what I was up to. Over the course of the half hour, they invited me to an event tomorrow. I am a fag hag woefully short on fags these days so they promised to hook me up. I didn't even realize how lacking my life was without lesbians until tonight. Silver Fox showed up and I wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and signed it, "Kat, your new best straight." So the date itself was ok. He is so short....as I walked away from the Lesbian Chick Posse I whispered, "the ocean called and they are all out of shrimp!" I just don't think I can go there. We drank, we ate, we left....he paid for everything including the valet. I could not wait to text those crazy bitches when I got home. They were watching and Auntie Mame movie. Editor and I quoted the exact same line at the exact same time! "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" So frickin' ironic as ChiBird was just saying this to me today. Tomorrow I am going to a gay bar where me and the Lesbian Posse will be the only three girls there. I mentioned I will pass as a tranny and Editor texted, "A tranny with a vaggy!!! You are my new bff, text me every five minutes!" ABC Chick texted with an apology a second later, "That was from Editor, I am not so crude. Her cell phone no...XXXX, she is crying at Auntie Mame." Here is to new beginnings....being a lesbian without going downtown? Who knew? Oh yeah, bringing Silver Fox tomorrow. He is NOT thrilled about going to a gay bar. (douche?)

Who's that sleeping in my bed?

2009-05-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have a date tonight with the Silver Fox. This has been a very busy week for the girl here vis a vis whoring around. Some days, I feel more like Goldilocks than others...this one is too hard, this one is too soft......while I search for Mr. Just Right, I seem to be stuck with Mr. Just Right Now. I'm chatting with my buddy Latin Lover....talk about one depraved individual. Freakishly Tall Guy has told me to be at his house Monday at 8 PM, sharp. As I posit about what degrading and (possibly) herpes inducing plans he has for me, Latin Lover gets more and more aroused. I told him it is all fun and games until I wake up in Mexico starring in a donkey show. That "tickles his pickle" and has left our chat hanging while he goes into the bathroom at work and rubs one out. We agree that sometimes fantasy should just stay that way, the reality of the situation never living up to the images conjured up in our heads. Like the Friends episode where Ross has a 3some and ends up making a sandwich. Latin Lover notes, "there are just too many variables and it would just be disappointing." I can imagine a pile of awkward limbs at odd angles. Being the graceful gazelle that I am there is no other outcome possible. So, sigh, back to the fishing pond. Perhaps the Silver Fox and Goldilocks will be "just right." Latin Lover, "try not to suck any dicks on the way to your date!" Oh, I'll try.

I put the grrr in swingerrrrr.....

2009-05-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

I have been invited to a swingers party by Freakishly Tall Guy! I struggled for the words...what where they...something like FUCK NO. When discussing this with Doc, he aptly mused that I don't strike him as a girl that would be happy being passed around more than a doobie at a Dead show. He further commented that this guy was moving FAST. I agreed, right? I mean at this rate in a month what would be left, snuff? MILFie did say, "hey, he is a porn producer and it is a fast life. All that shit happens in 90 mins-or less typically. That is the fact Jack." oh yes and, "interesting...on the twisted, denied-for-too-long sort of level." I went to happy hour with SexualChocolate tonight and the bartender overheard some of our conversation. She is a comedian/bartender and I asked her, "would you go to a swingers party just to get material for your comedy?" She said she basically masturbates for material and hell yes, she would and has put herself in bizarre situations for her show. I made her laugh and told SexualChocolate that I thought I want to be a comedian now...he told me I didn't have what it takes. Ouch. What is most shocking is the response from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Most of you are like, do it do it do it do it. The Thunderdome of perversion. I cannot tell if the Posse is just cheering me on, or looking for cheap entertainment. You know, it doesn't get much cheaper than this.

En Vino Veritas

2009-05-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

What a lovely night with Doc!! So much love and gossip, I want to spin and spin and...ok that is gay. I told my 3rd Grad Spelling Partner that being around the Doc was like eating pudding; comfortable, familiar and filling. She said that analogy grossed her out and made her throw up a little in her mouth. Ok...like the blanket your grandma knit you, tucked in on the sofa. Acceptable. I love him. He is my partner in crime. I can tell him anything and vice verse. There are very few people I can tell my innermost secrets to that will not A. FREAK THE FUCK OUT or B. judge me. He told me about his recent happenings...bought a new house with his gf and moved last weekend. I guess there was the equivalent of four flights of stairs moving him in (he is uber engineer geek, with his PHD so he worked it out mathematically) and they had a ridiculous amount of stuff. The best part being by the end of the day the professional movers were EXHAUSTED and had to move his Stairmaster up these four flights of stairs. They bitched under their breath the entire time (why the fuck you gonna need this?) The men in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse get a really bad rap sometimes. There are good men that lurk around these hallways and I am very lucky to count them as friends. I am warm with wine and lifelong friendship tonight.

No excuse....

2009-05-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

There is never ever any excuse good enough for a man to put his hands on a woman ever. Period. Fucking fucktards!!! I am so angry I want to kick some ass right now.

Wouldn't you rather misbehave?

2009-05-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Mark Twain said he would like to go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company. I think that sums up Los Angeles pretty well. It is going to be another beautiful day (sunny and 70 every day, every day..oh the ennui.) Freakishly Tall Guy has sparked much conversation from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. MILFie asked me if it was the fact he is a porn producer or that he has several irons in the fire that bothers me. I have to say, it is a combination of both. First it is the caliber of the irons. I am living in a hep C free world and I like it. (Boy Gorgeous and I have had in-depth conversations and have decided this would be the worst STD to have. You would die and couldn't drink. Shudder.) Second, it would be like dating a gyno. How do you stand out from the pack? It is unnerving knowing you will be judged along side "professionals." I doubt I bring the same skill set and would be setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't try out for a professional dance company or rodeo...I would look like a fool and most likely hurt myself badly. But then comes the pull of the dark side.....I really need to get another hobby. I'm simply mad.....

Holiday! Celebrate!

2009-05-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

This is more or less what the girl Kat looks like today. I was out drinking wine with Freakishly Tall Guy until the weeeeee hours of the morning and up early for my fucktacular job. Good thing I saved half of my crap sandwich from yesterday. I cannot properly express the gratitude I am feeling that it is a three day weekend. Doc is coming to visit next week (yay!!!!!) and I am going to use this weekend to clean and work out. I want my "Madonna Thighs" I had last summer back and the flat, two pack abs. Right now, I am sporting six pack abs...just not in the traditional sense (I keep my beer in there.) I hope this weekend holds a surprise or two. If not, I have an entire week of Judge Judy's to catch up on. Win win either way. Happy Memorial Day!

My favorite color is bruise

2009-05-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

Freakishly Tall Guy is adorable, charming, smart, funny, wine conneseur. Oh yeah, he is also a porn producer.

What goes down...well mostly stays there.

2009-05-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

I had a date last night with Freakishly Tall Guy from the Dirty Filthy Web site. We met at Starbucks and spent an hour and a half getting to know one another. We are both sci-fi geeks, he can't have dairy (some weird blood allergy,) both not from here and seemingly equally attracted to one another. It was the best date I have been on in four years. I got in my car, and promptly started to cry. What massive train wreck is coming my way? He texted me to tell me he had a really good time and wanted to go out tonight. Consider it done.
Today at work I was sustained by a steady diet of the never-ending shit sandwich. I was talked down to, yelled at, cursed out and was basically just a punching bag for multiple people. I just had to take it as I was helpless to change the situations and the only thing I could do was let people vent. As I am trying to talk an irate (multimillion dollar) customer down, I get an IM from Freakishly Tall Guy.
FTG: listen, before getting together this evening, I wanted to let you know that I am not prepared at this time to go "exclusive"-I have a few others that I see and enjoy my experience with them and am not willing to cut it off. I am open and honest about everything but would like to maintain my current lifestyle....agreed?
What the fuck do you say to that? It wasn't like I was dancing around singing Beyonce's Single Ladies to him....I was taken aback. A few?? Ultimately, I decided that I am short one fuck buddy these days so what the hell....Most guys do it, at least he is being up front about it. I changed my FB status to:
Kat is going to put her hand in the flame despite knowing she is going to get it burned (again.)
Video Lman: Pour some lighter fluid on it. Mostly for maximum effect.
RonDiggety: The Lady GaGa-sour milk analogy is apt for quite a few things. You know it's going to be bad, but you want to smell it anyway.
Work Friend: What's the young suiter's name??
Kat: I mean that literally Work Friend. Cutting is for pussies.
So, I am about to have the last few bites of my shit sandwich and then sign my name on Freakishly Tall Guy's waiting list. I will let you know how it goes.

Why are guys such pussies?

2009-05-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Pigs and pussies....are there any other kind? If so, I ain't meeting them.

Mercy Married Man

2009-05-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

Oy vey. Some guys are persist, I will give them that. This is definitely the case with the Investor Douchebag. I met him on the Dirty Filthy Web Site and started talking to him several months ago. At first, he seemed normal and cool (don't they all.) Over time, I noticed a pattern. He would only chat or call me during business hours, never on the weekend. When I would call him after hours I got a variety of excuses as to why he didn't answer; left his phone at the gym, didn't hear it ring, left it in the car etc. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out what is going on there. Married much? He was intent on proving to me that this was not the case. He wrote me incredibly long emails claiming his undying love and letting me know that I am his dream girl he has been looking for his whole life. He texted incessantly. He planned on visiting me, the date to be determined at a later date. Lots of calls. All this done, Mon-Fri, 9-5. WTF? When I called him out on his fuckery and told him to eat shit the tenor of his emails, text and voice mails changed to nasty (again, all during business hours during the week.) I thought I had finally shaken the married asshole. No such luck. When I told him to pound sand today, here is the message he sent me;

Investment Douchbag (5/17/2009 11:09:43 AM): ooooh nice bitch! sweet lil cunt mouth that you are! Funny at 40 you cant control your anger, your money, you life, your friends, or well yourself in general. MOst people with your rate of failure at least do society a favor and commit suicide.

At least I can spell and punctuate. I wonder if he kisses his wife with that potty mouth?

Big Wack Attack

2009-05-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Mr. MBA finally got around to watching The Wrestler and was pleasantly surprised there was some Marissa Torme boobage, and it was good. So good, he was repeatedly rubbing one out. Pausing the movie for a little recovery time, then going at it again. When I spoke to him last night, he said he was dehydrated from the marathon masturbation session and was taking a break to run to the Sev and get some Gatorade and carbs so he could continue on into the night. He was "shooting sawdust" according to him. I do love my friends and their commitment to a higher purpose.

RIP Skeptic

2009-05-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

My fuck buddy that won't fuck me, Skeptic and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. He calls me and after some tap dancing (bailing on me, shocking!) tells me he doesn't want me to think he is flaky...he is involved with someone and has been for the entire three years we have had our hook up. He is on an "honesty kick" and felt the need to cleanse his soul. Now Filthy and Gorgeous Posse, please remember this is the guy that would try to tell me his feelings and I would say, er...don't you have friends? He would be depressed and tell me he didn't think he could get it up but if I wanted to have dinner and talk....um, I told him again, dude, you exist in my world for ONE REASON. I have friends, he has his place. I point out that he would rather I think he is a cheating, asshole liar than a flake? Interesting. Did he tell his gf/wife/whatever about me? Nope, some honesty kick. The one person he actually owes honesty to is the one ommitted from his confessional. I am so pleased he made himself feel clean by making me feel dirty.

won't you take me to...Cougartown!

2009-05-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

As you get farther from the epicenter of Hollywood cool, the age at clubs goes up and the atmosphere goes down. This is certainly the case at the Arena Sports Bar and Grill in Simi Valley. The interior is like a poor man's TGI Fridays and the crowd, well....like a low rent cast of Real Housewives of Orange County. I was the youngest Cougar in the Cougar Bar. I went to see a band that was comprised of a bunch of my engineers from a customer. They were fantastic! Rocked the house and got all the old folks shaking their bones. I met SexualChocolate and Duke there...couple of young hottie potatties like them....they might as well have been wearing chum underpants. Insert Jaws theme song and imgaine a pack of circling Cougars. It is a miracle they weren't raped like Jodi Foster in that movie, there were pool tables there so it might have been a very accurate re-enactment.
It seems whenever we go out, we end up taking care of someone. Last time this band played, we spent the evening babysitting HottieEsq (we are no longer friends, more on that another time) when she had a seizure. That is what happens when you don't take your drugs......This time our friend was heartbroken and chose to drown her sorrows in alcohol (the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems-Homer Simpson.) She was ripshit fucked up by the time we got there at 8pm. So, here was the defining event; she had reconnected with her ex-husband via Facebook and started having a torried affair with him. He was currently married with children. In what one would suspect was a pang of guilt, he broke it off with her via email. Now I am a very pain-adverse human being. I do not need to touch a flame to see if it is hot. Additionally, there is the karmic code which dictates that you don't mess with another woman's man. Why do we go down a path which we know is ultimately going to cause us undue pain? You don't need a crystal ball to know this is going to end badly. I have another friend doing the very same thing right now. I want to slap these women and tell them to snap out of it! In the best of circumstances relationships are really hard and painful by nature. Why would one choose to begin one on a foundation of quick sand? In order to keep our friend from driving home, Duke threw himself on the fire and took one for the team. He danced with her while we tried to sober her up for the drive home. SexualChocolate and I were laughing as we could see he was being violated repeatedly (good thing the dance floor was on the other side of the bar from the pool tables.) We made her stay for a couple of hours drinking 7 and Jacks (hold the Jack.) This week, I noticed she had changed her status on Facebook to, in a relationship, it's complicated. That it is......
Ps. I know Brooke Hogan is not officially a cougar. I couldn't help but to publish this pic. I can't decided if she looks more like a cougar or a tranny....

Media Hegemony

2009-04-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

TV and movies really fuck us up as chicks. I want the males in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse to chime in on this.....would you really fall in love with a woman that was pregnant with another man's baby a la The Practice? Or have an acrimonious divorce and still love your ex (same show.) I can think of a million stupid romantic comedies that support these dilusional story lines inflicted upon us on a media machine fuled by the dollars of desperate women. This bullshit is force fed down our throats by the media but honestly....it would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. I cannot get a guy to call me back when I call him on some bullshit like, er...I dunno...saying something like, "if you are going to be late drop a dime..." Men are such narcissitic and fragile creatures that they fold under the mildest of scrutinety. Oh wait, on The Practice the Other Woman is kissing the much sought after male who is having a baby with another woman. THIS would happen all day long. Women would screw over another woman for a hot piece. I remember back in Chicago I had met a man that I was really getting along with at a party. I was perplexed that he never called and asked me out. Over a year later, I ran into this man and asked him why he never called and he told me that the girl I was with told him I had AIDS. True story (I don't have AIDS for the record.) These television shows and movies are designed to perpetuate a myth that the impossible can happen. We can find true love when we least expect it. Pfft!

I am an Asshole

2009-04-28T22:14:00.001-07:00

I just spent four and a half hours of my life trying to get my Linksys wireless adapter to make my fucking ON DEMAND! work. I have been sober for the last month. Seriously. Sober. Being bounced from Direct TV tech support for an hour, to ATT DSL tech support for an hour to Linksys tech support for two and a half hours would drive a nun to drink. Finally, the ON DEMAND! worked and I smugly hit "menu"...only thing to watch was Ghost Hunters. I promptly went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. That was the bubbles on the champagne. Horrid day capped with technical difficulties. My eyes are bleeding. I need to start documenting. I just don't know where to start. I went inward about a month ago. When I am out with my friends I actually enjoy it. It is a challenge to do so. I am making no money. I cannot pay my bills. It is so bad everywhere I look. I feel like a jerk complaining...I am scared.

To add to the clusterfuck, I recently found myself unknowingly dating someone I have known for eight years and never looked at as a potential mate. We often go out for cocktails, usually in a group. I had noticed the invitations were coming more frequently and were more one on one types of situations. My fear was confirmed when we went to a Lakers game and he grabbed my hand. I guess I am completely clueless as the few people I have told about this have known he has liked me for YEARS. So, Miss Maturity just stopped answering his calls about a month ago. What an assholey move but frankly, with all this self improvement I just can't muster the energy to have "The Conversation."

Next stop on the self-improvement train is to quit smoking. I have been researching quitting drinking alcohol and caffiene....and then smoking. I am attempting to change my deeply embedded body and brain chemestry. Not so easy. I have replaced alcohol and caffiene with food. I am power loading on vitamins which are designed to be natural mood elevators. Right now I am eating a white bean, kale and kilbasa soup which tastes healthy (translation, gross.) Nothing worse. I am at a weird point with clothes too. My old shorts are too big and falling off....I went and bought the next size down and they give me muffin tops and camel toe. Hot stuff! Additionally, I started taking an anti-depressant which is supposed to assist with the smoking cecessation. Life sucks for me.

I did make it through the first round of interviews for a reality tv show where they do arranged marriages. Sissy is really amped up about me doing reality tv. I know she wants me to get drunk and go in the hot tub and fuck the dude of the first date. Not outside the realm of possibility. Let's hope I am still employable if I make it onto this show.

Smelly McSmellerson

2009-02-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

I smell bad. I mean, I smoke and yet....I recognize I smell bad. I just cannot imagine what a mortal nose would smell if it were to smell me. To top it off, my sink in my kitchen is totally fucked up. I cannot run water without it flowing in black muckyness on the floor. Which also smells. The black muckyness. It is raining...my dogs smell. Awful. Again, I have killed and paralyzed my cylia in my mucas membranes and I can still smell the smell. Wet, smoky, rotten kitchen smell dog. In the effort to not smell while I get the plumber in, I have been doing dishes in my bathroom. It now smells too. Bathroom sinks are not intended to drain fetid kitchen shit. It is stuck and smelly. Welcome to my world. It is a disgusting cigerette, wet dog, fetid food, icky goo on the floor and not draining rotten food in the bathroom sink kind of smell. Ok, it was really the bathtub. It was completely disgusting picking mushrooms out of the bathtub drain. Are you happy people?!?!?!?!?

pour a lil on the ground for the dead relationship....

2009-01-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

It breaks my heart to hear my friends in pain. Even when the pain is something you can see coming from ten thousand miles away and can be avoided, yet decide the experience is more important that the consequence. I admire the bravery. We have all made the choice to be with someone we know is temporary and will break our hearts. I have a ginormous pain in my heart right now for one of my very best friends that I know is hurting today. I just want to hug her up and tell her it will be ok...even though today it doesn't seem so. To all my friends that have been hurt and made the leap in spite of their own best judgements, let's give props to my sissy that is hurting so badly tonight. Love you girl.

I was the bar star....not in a good way

2009-01-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

Hello my people, the new year is starting with some promising notes for our girl Kat. New Years Eve, had a very last minute and surprise date. We went to Firefly and the conversation and company was simply delightful. I had yet another date on the 1st.....not quite so high brow, beer and not wine sort of date but frickin' fantastic. IT Guy and I started for lunch at Stanleys...which turned into cocktails. We decided to change venues and went to the Sweep. It was still daylight which is a very different experience at the Sweep. IT Guy is super hot, 6'4 and funnier than hell! We got along like a house on fire. He makes me laugh, hysterically belly type laughing. We feed each other's silly childish sense of humor and it was so much fun! At one point we go off to the smoking patio at the Sweep and start to kiss. He is super tall....I was pressed up against him as we talked and laughed and kissed and kissed. At one point, he mentioned..."you know we are in front of the window here"....having only been there at night I was like, "pfft...that window is blacked out, you can't see out here from in there!" He was so big it was irresistable...I had to climb his body. I threw myself at him wrapping my legs around his waist and arms around his neck. Cheers emenated from inside the bar. IT Guy says, "you know that is for us right?" Me, "pfft, no no no no...they are watching a football game, must have been a good play." We continue to flirt and kiss outside when an old lady pops her head out and asks, "would you two like a room? If not you are entertaining everyone in the bar." Oops. We walk back inside the bar, and are met with much clapping. A really old guy told me that he had to leave and go home to masturbate. He also thanked us for the show. I checked out the window and yup...sure as shit you can see through the window as plain as day. Fuck yes, I am a Bar Superfucking Star! To be perfectly honest, we weren't doing anything very sexual or gross, just kissing. I think the mad chemestry just kicked up the pheramones and made everyone in the bar a bit drunker. At the end of the day, I had a great couple of dates....will be a while until I go back to the Sweep however....I hope all the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse had a wonderful holiday. I am just hoping next year will be better for me. Happy New Years kids!

I spin

2008-12-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

I am sentimental and optimistic all at the same time. Are these mutually exclusive states? I am about to explode with hope, and happiness, and amazing memories....I don't even know where to start. This is all on the backdrop of some complete and total freak I went out with once which reminds me of all the crazies that are out there. I am spinning and I need focus. There is so fucking much inside that needs to come out. I just don't know where to start. I am happy. I am happy. Nothing is better, nothing is right yet. I haven't said that in so long.

2008-12-12T02:02:00.001-08:00

Two weeks ago I went out with the CFO...and it was a fucking disaster. I made some huge errors in judgement, starting with taking him to my local bar...dammit! Now he knows where I hang out.

I invited him to hang with me and AppleBottom (frickin' back so delicious I wanna take a bite out of her ass myself) and he showed up at the Sweep. Everything was going fine, until he got a few cocktails in him. Afterward, he started groaping me, cornered me and stuck his tongue down my throat and was just generally up in my shit all night long. Somewhere along the line, I started talking with BMW guy and his Fameous Actor Friend who were much funnier, much smarter and much better looking than the CFO guy.

20 things I don't tell anyone

2008-11-24T20:36:00.000-08:00

1. I put ketchup on everything. I cannot eat nachos or tacos without it, I call it white trash salsa.
2. Number one song on my iPod is Rock Your Body, yes yes Justin Timberlake
3. I drink alone
4. I live like I am in a frat house, ALWAYS have to call first. (relatively new for me.)
5. I talk to myself a lot
6. I genuinely belive the 80's were the hayday for white people. ('Cept for disco. Could better dances be invented for us ever?!?!?!?)
7. I butter rice crispy treats
8. My first fuck choice would be Bowie. Laminated.
9. David Sedaris has it all right.
10. I believe in soul mates
11. I have an abusive relationship with my boss
12. Steely Dan is my favorite band of all time
13. I was studying to be a minister before I move to fucked up L.A.
14. Happiest moment, right now
15. Saddest moment, right now
16. True love...Rick Morton
17. Role models are Xena (cause sometimes it doesn't do any good just to bitch,) Elanor Roosevelt and Zelda Fitzgerald
18. Ultimate theme song, U Li La Lu, Poi Dog Pondering; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrr9eFHKdKM
19. Biggest regret, losing my best friend since third grade
20. Proudest accomplishment is helping my grandmother cross over with dignity

It's not so bad after all......

2008-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

The economy sucks. The job market is grim and it is a dismal time to be desperately looking for different employment. My boss is passive aggressive and the worse things look, the worse he behaves. Oh, and I just took at 60 grand pay cut and cannot pay my bills. Good times! My degree was heavily psych based and I cannot stop thinking about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I find myself somewhere entrenched between the bottom two blocks on the visual aid above. I do not want to pursue relationships at this point as I am fearful of being able to feed and house myself. I found this web site, www.ted.com. I highly recommend it for anyone having a crisis of conscious right now. There are some pretty uplifting and enlightening talks on there. I am lovin' up some of the Filthy and Gorgeous chicks now. I am blessed. I may not be able to eat..it may feel like I can't breathe. I have no security with anything. It is nice to at least have friends to talk about it with.... Lucky lucky lucky me. Just thinking out loud.

The Prophet Known as Britney Spears

2008-11-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjP5VfCswZY

Here is a link to the new Britney coughcomebackcough video Womanizer. It drones on "womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer" gives me a headache to be perfectly honest. I guess we learned that Britney cannot remember lyrics when she had to string two words together, "gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more" so I appreciate her handlers boiling her material down to fit her skill set. I am bored with my job today and feeling pretty lazy myself. I wonder if this tactic is transferrable to my job. Do you think I could rock this out in my account calls? Go in to see my target audience and drone, "cmos sensor cmos sensor cmos sensor" or "dram module dram module dram module dram module." I somehow suspect my customers would look at me as if I were batshit crazy. Guess Britney can pull it off because we already know she is bananas.

On a political note; I was very disappointed this morning when I awoke and did not find a pile of cash outside of my door. I though Obamma promised us that? If anyone from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse finds out where we can get all the free shit he promised please let me know. I want to be the first in line with my hand out to get a free house, free education, free healthcare........I think I am going to really really like socialism. Gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more. Who knew Britney was a prophet?

Katzilla

2008-09-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

I have had an incredibly taxing week and as Friday night draws to a close there is an epiphany; night time Kat ALWAYS fucks daytime Kat over......as I type this, Night time Kat reaches for the last cigarette in the package (leaving daytime Kat running to the Sev first thing tomorrow morning.) Night time Kat is thinking another drink is in order now...we have to blog then sleep don't we? Daytime Kat has things to do tomorrow. She needs to take the dogs to the dog park to run off some of their pent up energy from their neglect this week. Daytime Kat has to do Yoga to work out some of her pent up energy from this week. Daytime Kat has errands, chores and work to do. It is like Godzilla vs. Mothra. Worthy opponents with evenly matched strengths, the weaknesses being their ultimate downfall. At a crossroads now. The ultimate direction of my life determined by the outcome of this battle. Who shall win? Kathra needs money to prevail, think that may be the achelles heel on that monster.

JUST looking

2008-07-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

The Colbert Report had Rush on tonight, first televised appearance in 30 years. Prior to rocking out (as much as a bunch of old guys can. My delight was fueled by my personal meeting of Neil Pert at Firefly. I had no clue who the hell is was and kicked him out of my table.) Prior to their performance he asked them, "Do you have a special name for your fans? Are they Russians?" Rush replied, "No. They all have their own names." "Neil, do you have a drum dependency? This is actually an intervention...." and "You are known for such long and epic songs. By the time you get to the end of your epic song, has it gone on so long that it influences your future work?" My fear with the Aussie is we have another few weeks before we can be together. Will we be so involved in making our own epic love story that by the time it actually happens it will become a pale imitation of what it could have been from the beginning? Like the Andy Warhol painting of love affairs; the individuality and passion stamped out and made a product. Andy Warhol did say, "I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning." I worry. Today was rough. We both worked hard (I think) and we cooled down a bit. Inevitable right?

satan claws

2008-07-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am just dyslexic enough that I fall for this every time.

The Aussie makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me swoon, and (more scary than anything) makes me hope that love is still possible for this old hag. I haven't had someone make me feel this way in almost five years....hope, possibility, flirting......the delicious unfolding of personalities. In a way, the internet is so old school. Although the chat is immediate, you are writing. You are getting to know someone as a person. Abelard and Heloise had something right there. I am enjoying getting to know someone when I am not worried if he likes my dress or how I am wearing my hair. It is enough he likes my brain for now. In a couple of weeks he will be here and it will be a different story. Today, I will rock out my no make-up, pony tail, cummy old tshirt self and know that he really likes me. ME.

There is a satan claws.

Game over....

2008-07-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

Alright cats, are you ready? This girl is...buckle up..IN LOVE.

I am in this completely amazing free fall......I haven't even admitted it to myself. What now? I did yoga Saturday morning and was in this incrdibly peaceful place. Treavor reminded us to pay respect to that which motivated us to be in that space today...get this, I started to CRY!! I am happy, peaceful and met a great guy. Please God, don't make me out to be a fool! Is there any other kind of pain?
Namaste! Kat

psycho killer, qu'est que c'est

2008-07-04T14:46:00.001-07:00

American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition
sociopath [(soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-uh-path)]

Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others. (Compare psychopath.)

Tahiti

2008-07-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

"I can put my passport and credit card in my teeth and swim to shore. No, I will not have clothes or shoes but I should be able to hitch hike easily in a bikini. There has to be a village somewhere close by....This is what it must have been like to be on Alcatraz, land so close but so far away...."

As I was standing on the deck of a yacht anchored in a desolate bay in Mooreo, I found myself thinking these thoughts. How the hell did I get myself in this mess? I had been talking to The Sailor for four months via email, instant messenger and infrequently by phone. It is amazing the tricks our mind plays on us when we have long periods of silence. We project our own desires into the abyss and file it as the truth in our heads. This is why I was standing on this yacht looking longingly at the beach just outside of my reach. I am a romantic fool.

I have been looking for meaning in this experience. It started out well enough, a beautiful lei being placed around my neck at the airport. Palpable desire emanating from both of us as our legs touched in the taxi on the way back to the dock in Papeete. Sailing in perfect weather; the wind cooperated, singing classic rock together, eating brie and baguette on the deck. What did I do? Where did I fuck up? I have tossed this over in my mind Monday morning quarterbacking it for over a week now and here is my conclusion; he is just an arrogant dick. It ain't me brother, it is YOU.

I could outline the nasty insults he dropped casually, designed to pick apart and cut to the core. Or, the physical violence. The very real fear of being pushed into the piss (sailor talk for ocean.) The unsatisfying sex. But what is more interesting to me is why did I take the failure to connect on as my own shortcoming?

A good friend suggested I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome (I am Norweigan, the chosen people, so the Scandanavian connection did give me reason to consider this); I was trapped on a boat and I was trying to please my captor. I actually think it goes deeper than that. I think it is a woman thing. We are the ones that are supposed to make the exchanges (interpersonally, visually, intellectually, sexually) pleasing. At heart, most of us are wired to be Japanese Comfort Girls, creating a pleasurable experience. When this failed to occur, it is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I took it on as my failure as a woman. Not that this guy is a sociopath and is likely unable to get along with anyone, but MY problem.

Some of the nasty comments resonated with me and I find myself still wondering if he is right. After a 48 hour period where I did not say one word he said he would take me to dinner. I asked if the conversation would be like it had been for the previous two days and he replied, "I have never met someone who talked so much and said so little with their words in my life. So yes, it will be the same." At this point, I asked him to drop me at the dock, which he did, "Bonne chance!" he sarcastically yelled into the breeze as he blazed off in the dinghy not looking back. Fortunately, The Dingy Bar and cigarettes were waiting for me and I over-indulged in both. Also more sailors who occupied the time I had left until I flew home. I was starved for conversation and they seemed to enjoy mine. They invited me to crew for them anytime. They knew The Sailor. "How the hell did you end up with that asshole?" seemed to be the prevelent question by many many sailors at the bar that had travelled from Mexico to French Polynesia with him. He has a bad rep which one sailor chararacterized as an "I" problem, I am smarter than you. I know everything there is to know. I am superior. Ironic as he has a wandering eye...thought the pun was funny and laughed inside my head at the coincidence.

This week, I have found myself asking people if I am annoying when I talk. Do I engage you or am I just off on tangents? Do I have relevant things to talk about or are they immaterial? Am I articulate or babble? Why have I given him this power over me? I have decided today to intelectually throw his bullshit observations about me into the piss. Fuck him. As HottieEsq notes, the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. I am working on my pipeline and think I have found a better match. And he likes to talk to me!

Happy 4th.

Kat

2008-06-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

The dark night in the woods. We all have them. I have been struggling for the last few months with those endless questions. Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? What is the meaning to all of this endless bullshit I seem to endure? I am faced with many of my friends going through similarly challenging times. It is a process. I needed to cocoon and rest for a bit. So, I have been doing yoga like a fucking freak (I can tree pose like a motherfucker for the record.) I am learning to like just being with me. I am not escaping into my knitting. I am reconnecting to my body as I have had to distance myself from it for such a very long time. I am just learning to be, and be happy. Through this process, the one stabilizing factor has been my friends. I am so very lucky. They see great things in me, and I am forced to recognize those things in myself. The Doc told me tonight that I am acting desperate, like I am waiting for the last chopper our of Saigon. I disagree, I have a deep longing and need that has to be met. I cannot put my finger on it yet, but I will. My mojo has been off the hook. I have options on a day to day basis. I want something more, something deeper, something darker, something genuinely amazing and beautiful. I am going to Tahiti next week to be with the Sailor. It defies all logic, all intellectual input, all emotional sanity. I have to do this. I will do this. I hope I don't get chopped up into bits (both a literally and metaphorically.) When (if) I come back I will be able to spread my wings and delight all of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. I am very close to being me again.

Oh Amy you just say everything....

2008-03-20T20:40:00.001-07:00

don't die Amy...

baby steps

2008-03-20T19:34:00.001-07:00

I am still a little freaked out that my blog got out to my work environment. I cannot believe someone I trusted with this address would tell....quite upsetting. I want to write...I have some funny fucking things to tell; stinky pussy, men as digital vs. women as analogue, fucking in general....I have so much to say and am now afraid to say it here. This was the point of this blog. Put it all out there in an anonomous fashion and now I feel like it is ruined. I moved it so I know my regular readers cannot find it. I suppose I need to ease back into it...

I want to spill. I NEED the release of writing but I cannot. I think this goes back to when I was a tween and my mother read my diary....horrible and inhibited my self-expression for years and years. I have been afraid to write ever since. Kind of like taking sexy-time pictures with your lover; leave no footprints. Big step, post....

I hate people in general. They usually let you down. Maybe I will write about the stink puss.....funny if it wasn't me.

I will find new readers....I will be able to let it all hang out. That is when I am at my best. Stay tuned new friends, Kat is back and ready to party.

4-0h no.......................

2008-02-29T21:41:00.000-08:00

This week has been quite trying. I have no money......I screwed up and had a check clear (my hairapist held a check for over a month...WHO HOLDS A CHECK FOR A MONTH?!?!?!??) I know I should be watching these things, but I only write one check a month ever, my rent check. I pay all my bills online and pay for everything with my debit card so when I look at my statement, it is usually spot on. So, I incurred over five hundred dollars in in overdraft fees; I love buying the $39 dollar Egg McMuffin, or the $37 bottle of water from the Sev. I got paid this morning and celebrated by buying a tank of gas and a bag of dog food. I treated myself to some fancy french vanillia creamer this morning. Good times!! I have been pretty depressed as I will be the big 4-0h no in two weeks. I mean, I am an old lady and am still living on the edge. How much harder can I work? How much harder can I try? Life is hard. My GIANT splurge is getting rid of this nappy ass hair of mine tomorrow. Sissy asked me how bad my hair really looked and I told her this; imagine you were walking and saw a sick mouse in the grass. You would pick me up, take me home to nurse me back to help and name me Patches. THAT is how bad my hair looks now. I called my Hairapist...who I am still pissed at by the way....and told her she needs to fix me tomorrow. The plan is; weave with high and low lights and cut this shit off!!! I am going to cut off nearly a foot of hair and go for the bob. Seems to be a popular plan.

Getting older isn't a bad thing. What birtdays represent now is a benchmark for where we SHOULD be, what we SHOULD have, SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. I cannot remember where I heard this but someone said that happiness isn't getting what we want, but wanting what we have. I am in a transitional phase....I am not passionate about anything. I want to look around my shitty apartment in the Valley and really WANT to live here. I want to go to my thankless and shitty job and WANT to do it. I want to go to bed in the dog pile and WANT to sleep with the doggies...........I want to want what I have but sadly....this birthday reminds me of how far away from where I WANT to be. I would like to see this pass quietly.

Talk Dirty to Me

2008-02-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

Words have power. Any one of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse knows this to be true for our girl Kat. I have dumped a guy for using the word "tummy" over dinner conversation. I have refused to reply to a man that wanted me to give him a "sensual massage." It occurs to me that we do not have the proper vocabulary to talk about relationships, let alone sexual ones. Eskimos have something like forty words to describe snow and in English....how many to describe love, sex and all of the wonderful things that go hand in hand? Too few so we have to improvise. HottieEsq went on date four with The Jew last night. We all know what date four is..however, she did not put out. For The Jew, apparently verbal foreplay included dropping his FICO score over dinner (780, btw) and using the phrase, "making love" to entice her into his bed. The irony was that it was his FICO score that got her hot and the description of the act that got her cold. It is a delicate balance between clinical and juvenile...FICO vs. fucko. Mr. MBA dated a school teacher that would call his dick his "pee pee" in the throes of passion. Yup, she was short lived. The Writer was telling me he would crack up when this woman he dated would yell out that she was "worshipping his magnificent erection." I suspect the exalted erection would wane with such praise, proud yet sensitive as they tend to be. I have had men ask if I would have "intercourse" with them. Flashes of the cold steel table at my gyno and the icy cold metal duck bills he shoves up in me come to mind with that word. I have said this before; I would have much greater respect for the man that tells me he wants to crank some Zeppelin, spank my ass and then fuck me like the bitch that I am. THAT has power....
Today's homework is let me know which words turn you off...and turn you ON....